Fake DM is back in town - Part Two

(continued from Fake DM is back in town - Part One)

Hans has disappeared. There's a trail of blood leading to cafeteria. Fake DM wanted to look into it furthermore, but I stopped him from doing so. I whipped out my new compact to look at my myself and I say to him, "Brrro, I'm so hot. Forget Hans, he'll live. We have more important matters to attend to. We have to go back to your office to get your other compact." Fake DM nods in agreement so we both head towards his office.

On our way there he asks, "Why do you keep calling him Hans?" I give him a puzzled look. He continues, "Brrro, that not his name. His name is..."

Donny gets interrupted by a co-worker, "Hey Fake DM, welcome back. Looking good!" Donny responses, "Hey good to be back. Thanks!" Another co-worker says to him, "Fake DM! Nice to have you back! Looks like the girlfriend is keeping you happy!" Yet another complement on how good looking he is. So I'm standing next to him while all these complements are being throw his way for next half hour or so.

This is ridiculous. It's so obvious that I'm so much hotter than him, but yet he's getting all the attention. What's wrong with everyone?! Dude, I'm hot! Look at me! Look at how hot I am! Why are they not complementing me?! Complement me! I should always be the center of attention. I'm upset. I put an end to it by exclaiming, "Everyone! That's enough! All hands meetings in five minutes!" Now everyone will be force to focus all their attention on me!

Fake DM looks at me and ask, "Brrro, what's up? All hands? What's going on?" I shoot back, "Brro, don't play coy with me! I know exactly what's going on!" I shove his compact into his hand, "I won't be needing this!" He gives me this innocent look, "Brro, what's up?" as I strut towards my office.

"Five minutes, all hands. I'll see you there."

(Five minutes later)

Everyone is gathering in the meeting room. I instinctively reach into my pocket to get my compact, but it's not there. I've lost count of how many times I've done this. To make matters worse, I cannot find a highly reflective surface anywhere in sight. I'm really beginning to miss myself. I begin twitching. Everyone's staring. I'm going through some major withdrawal here. I really need my compact. I need to look at myself. I think everyone's beginning to notice my twitches. I've never gone this long without looking at myself. My knees begin to tremble. Just before I completely lose it, I see Hans limp into the meeting room. I barely recognize him. He's got a huge blood-soaked bandage taped to his nose. It's grotesque. Everyone focuses on him. What's going on here? I'm losing everyone's attention to ugly duckling Hans. I'm supposed to be hot. Everyone look at me. My twitching gets worse. I'm feeling dizzy. I think I'm gonna faint. I feel my knees buckle. The room goes dark. I pass out.

The next thing I remember is my eyes opening to Fake JZ slapping my face and Fake DM holding his compact in front of me so I can see myself. I hear Fake JZ asking Fake DM, "How did you know this was going to work?" Fake DM replies, "I was afraid this was going to happen. He cannot go too long with looking at himself. If that ever happens he just shuts down."

I look like a complete retard and Fake DM is looking so handsomely heroic. I've got everyone's attention now, but for all the wrong reasons. This is flat out embarrassing. Luckily for me this is a secret diary that no will we ever read.

Fake DM is back in town - Part One

Fake DM is back in town. Everyone is happy to see him. I'd like to join in on the happiness too, but it's really awkward for me because of the incident with his girlfriend's name. We haven't spoken since. Every time we pass each other I just shield my face from him and run pass him as quickly as possible. This is really embarrassing for me. I'm only writing this down because no one will ever read this. Thank god this is a secret diary.

I just got out of a meeting. I see that Donny and I are going to cross paths again. Oh god, I'm consumed by an awkward feeling again. I shield my face from him and make a run for it. I'm galloping across the office space at full speed because I can't deal with the embarrassment anymore, but my idiot man-assistant, Hans, gets in my way. BAM! We have a head-on collision. Hans and I are sprawled on the ground. I'm in pain. I get up and scream at him, "Hans! What's your problem?! Why don't you watch where you're going?! You could've really damaged my beautiful face!" Hans screams back, "Dude! My problem?! My problem?! Why are you running around the office with your face completely covered?! You've been doing that all day! You're NUTS! AND STOP CALLING ME HANS!" Hans is being rude again. I need to put him in his place, "Hans, once again your negativity is not helping the situation!" Hans is speechless. He's acting like I did something wrong here. God, he's so self-centered sometimes. I'm getting angry, but then I catch a glimpse of my own reflection on a distant window and my anger begins to subside. Wait, I see blood on my face. There's blood on the floor. I'm angry again. MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! HANS RUINED MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! I'm panicking. I instinctively reach for my compact. It falls to pieces, broken to bits from the collision. HANS BROKE MY COMPACT!

Out of nowhere a compact opens up in front of my face. I see myself in the mirror and I become calm. It's Donny's compact. He's holding it out for me so that I can look at myself. I look towards him. He looks back at me, "Brrro, I think you need this more than I do. Keep it. I have another one in my office." He gently lays the compact down on my hand. This is a huge sacrifice, he won't be able to look at himself until he gets back to his desk - that's almost one full minute. When a handsome man gives another handsome man his compact, that shows true brrrotherhood. He's extending an olive branch. I immediately burst into tears, "Ah Brrro, I'm sorry for calling your girlfriend, Kristine with a "K"." Donny replies, "Brrro, I'm sorry for telling you it's Kristine with a "K". I misspell things often." I reply, "I do too. Don't worry about that, as long as you are beautiful that's all that matters. And your are beautiful." Donny replies, "You're beautiful too." I reply, "I know I am, but what are you?". Donny replies, "Beautiful and don't forget yourself." I reply, "Right back at you." So this complementing each other goes on for the next hour.

I finally wipe the blood off my face and I see that my face is perfect again. There's no scars. It's not my blood. This is weird. I say to Donny, "Brrro, it's not my blood. I think it's Hans' blood." We both look around and realize Hans is gone.

(to be continued: Fake DM is back in town - Part Two)

I am Captain Beautiful

I just got this picture of Fake JZ from the elevator's video camera just as the elevator lost power (See previous diary entry). Boy does she look scared. It's a good thing I rescued her. It's actually quite embarrassing if you ask me. Thank god for her this is a secret diary that no one will ever see.

Anyways, enough about her. Let's talk about me. Me, Me, Me!

Good thing my charming good looks were able to return power to the elevator and save the day. I am quite inspired by own handsome heroics so I decided to don a superhero alter ego to standup for truth, justice, and my good looks and combat all things evil aka ugly people. I will call myself Captain Beautiful.

Fake JS, You're My Hero!

Fake JZ is my co-worker. We work on a lot of stuff together. She's not a fraud like me because she's actually gets stuff done, but more importantly she not as hot as me. It's really difficult to be as hot as me so I wouldn't really fault her. I have a meeting with her today. I like having meetings with her because she lets me use my compact to look at myself any time. Everyday I ask her, "Fake JZ, who's the handsome-est of them all? It's me right?" and she always replies, "Yeah yeah yeah, whatever you say." I'm not really smart enough to understand what she's saying, but it does sound positive so I'm assuming she agrees with my statement. You see, smart people like Fake JZ and Fake Jeff speak English good. I'm not smart enough to speak English good. It's actually quite embarrassing. Thank god this is a secret diary.

Anyways, I have a meeting with Fake JZ today and it's on the second floor. I get there first. I'm in the meeting room all by myself waiting for her. I'm getting bored because there are no highly reflective surfaces in the room. I'm upset. Oh wait, my new iPhone. I pull it out of my pocket. It's so shiny and reflective. FSJ is so brilliant for making it such a shiny object. I love shiny objects. I love seeing my reflection on them. Ugly people upset me. I'm really beginning to admire myself and all of a sudden the room goes completely dark. There's a power outage. Damn, I can't see myself. I'm really upset.

My iPhone rings. The screen turns on and lights up the room. I can see myself again. Happy times. It stops ringing. The screen turns off and the room goes dark again. I can't see myself again. I'm upset. This keeps happening for the next few minutes. When I'm finally fed up with this, I check who's been calling. It's Fake JZ. 10 missed calls. I'm not happy with her. She should just keep ringing my iPhone so that I can continue to admire myself. She's being so self-centered. I call her back to confront her about this issue, but she rudely interrupts me, "Fake JS, there's no power in the building and I'm stuck in the elevator! I'm scared! Please help!" I reply, "Fake JZ, why is it always about you?! You're being self-centered right now. I'm upset that you keep turning off my iPhone light!" A brief pause. I think she finally realizes the errors of her way and responds, "Fake JS, I'm stuck in the elevator! Please help!"

I forgive her and I ask her I what I should do, but before she can answer her phone disconnects. It must have ran out of batteries from calling me so often. I quickly run to the elevator and push aside the facility crew trying to pry open the elevator door and tell them I'll take care of this. I give my hottest looking superhero poses in front of the elevator door. My mere hotness opened the elevator doors and brought power back to the building. Everyone thinks the electricity company fixed the power outage, but I disagree. Fake JZ jumps out of the elevator and exclaims, "Fake JS, you're my hero!"

A really handsome hero right?

Yeah yeah yeah, whatever you say.

Yeah, I'm so hot.

Christine or Kristine?

Fake DM recently skipped town and headed for New Mecca City. He found a beauty named Christine and they both went to New Mecca City together if you know what I mean. So he came back to town a few weeks back. In the middle of our debate about which anti-wrinkle cream is better, he abruptly changes the topic, "Brrro - FYI, It's not Christine with a "Ch". It's Kristine with a "K"". So I'm like, "Brro, you're retarded. How long you've been dating her?" He replies, "Brro, it's Kristine with a "K" Okay!" Okay. I got it. It's Kristine with a "K". So I immediately tell Hans, my man-assistant, to update my address book accordingly. It was very odd, but I didn't think much more of it because there are too many highly reflective surfaces around me.

Donny headed back to New Mecca City not too long after that conversation so my numerous correspondents with them via snail mail and email over the next few weeks are now labeled "To: Donny and Kristine".

Earlier today I gave Donny a call to tell him how great I look. When I realize I'm on speakerphone and I say, "Hi there Kristine with a "K"!". Donny tries to interject, "Brrro, I've been meaning to tell...". But Kristine growls at me over the phone, "Fake JS, you're quite the character?! It was funny the first time but now it's just annoying! My name is Christine with a "Ch" not Kristine with a "K". You're a complete J-TARD Fake JS!".

I'm like, Wuh? How did Christine know about the J-Tard thing? I tried to explain, but Donny interrupts me, "Brro, don't try to put it on me. She's my girl, I know her name. You took the joke too far."

Ah Brro...

I panicked and hung up on them. This was really bad. I didn't know what to do so I took the rest of the day off and I bought myself a full-length mirror from West Elm and admired myself with it to keep my mind off the conversation.

It's just going to be awkward when Donny comes back to town in a few weeks. This is just weird. Good thing this is secret diary that no one will ever read.

What is J-Tard?

Just finished another meeting with mister smarty pants, Fake Jeff. He continues to make me look like a fool, but at least I'm a really really good looking fool. I know this for a fact because I had my compact with me. I tried to threaten him with Mule ESB and SOA, but that did not go so well because I didn't know much more about those things other than they are words Hans, my man-assistant, told me to use. It was a complete disaster. Everything will be written in stored procedures, but at least I got my new monitor and my reflection on it looks immaculate.

Anyways, my new monitor is yesterday's new. I just viewed Zara's Winter 2008 Men's line. I can't stop thinking about how HOT I would look in one of those coats. The ladies will flock to me, "Oh Fake JS, I love your new Zara coat", "Oh Fake JS, can your new Zara coat keep the both of us warm?".

After I was done focusing on how beautiful I will look in a Zara winter coat I realized that Fake Jeff didn't refer to me as a "Frigtard Java Developers" for the whole meeting. That is rare. He calls me that all the time. Strange. He actually called me something different. What was it again? If I actually paid attention to the meeting instead of checking out myself using my compact it wouldn't be this difficult.

Was it "J-Tard"? Yeah that's what it was. J-Tard.

Dude, that's so not fair. Why is Fake Jeff calling me J-Tard? What does it mean? It took me almost 3 years to figure out what frigtard meant.

This is an embarrassing sequence of events. Thanks god this is a secret diary.

Fake DM is my best buddy

Here is a picture of Fake DM and me hanging out. He is my best buddy. His real name is actually Don Van Mac, but I usually refer to him as Donny. He's almost as beautiful as me. Of course I will never admit any of these things. I'm only writing this down because I'm too dumb to remember things and no one will ever see this. Thank god this is a secret diary.

We have spent endless hours talking about how handsome we are. We've shared tips and pointers on each other's wardrobes. We also had heated debates about which lotions and moisturizers are better. We two are a rare bred in the tech sector; Undeniable handsome and charming men who worry more about their looks than their code.

Hans is whining again

I get to work and I whip out my compact to check out my hair. It's perfect as usual. I don't even know why I bother. I guess I just like looking at myself.

Before I can even check my email, my man-assistant - I can't remember his name - I think it's Hans, barges into my office. He tells me I have a meeting with Fake Jeff to talk about a new design in five minutes. Fake Jeff is as smart as I'm handsome. Unfortunately, I spend so much time and energy focusing on my own beauty that I'm really too dumb to do anything useful, but nobody knows that. It's my big secret. Thank god this is a secret diary. Anyway, the point is Fake Jeff is so smart that whatever he says always seems to make sense. He always gets his way and that makes me look stupid. I don't want to look stupid even though I am.

I'm like totally caught off guard by this meeting. I'm so not prepared. So I do the right thing and blame it on my man-assistant, "Hans! Damn it! Why didn't you tell me about this meeting?! That's what a man-assistant like yourself is supposed to do!" Hans replies, "Um, Fake JS, my name is not Hans. I'm not your man-assistant. I told you numerous times not to call me that and I told you yesterday morning to prepare for this meeting. This is a big deal!". I reply, "Hans! Your negativity is not helping me".

He's speechless. He just stares a me. I think he's finally calming down. My mad people skillz must be working. He breathes a heavy sigh and starts explaining to me about how SOA and Mule ESB are the keys, but I catch a glimpse of my own reflection on my computer monitor and his words blur to blah blah blah as I start focusing on myself. Oh my god, I think I see a new wrinkle on my forehead! Oh wait, it's just crap on the monitor. That reminds me, I need to get more Borghese Active Mud for Face and Body. I haven't had a facial in a while. My face looks swollen. What the hell?! I'm having a complete breakdown here! I quickly whip out my compact to get a better view of myself. Relief! It's just the monitor distorting my reflection. I hate this computer monitor. All of a sudden Hans screams at me, "Are you listening to me?!". He's pissing me off. He's being rude so I tell him, "Looks Hans, your not helping me. Forget about the meeting. I need a new monitor. Get me a new monitor. This one's not working for me. I prefer a non-glossy screen. Thanks."

I AM HANDSOME

I own it and you don't. I'm handsome and you're not. Go away Ugly Betty I'm busy exfoliating.