Thursday, December 13, 2007

Making Copies - Part 2

(continued from: Making Copies - Part 1)

I'm in the copy room. I'm naked below the waist. I'm standing on top of a copier in a eagle-spread position. The copier is busily making 500 copies of my willy. I'm in this ridiculous predicament due to a series of unfortunate events as describe in my previous secret diary entry. I'm currently contemplating how I will be able to get myself out of this pickle...

Suddenly Donny and Fake JZ enter the copy room. Donny's jaw drops to the ground. Fake JZ screams and covers her face.

"Wait guys, I can explain. This was an accident." I immediately exclaimed.

Donny finally comes to his senses and utters, "Brrro! What the F**k?! Why are you making copies of your penis?"

Fake JZ interjects, "Fake JS, you've gone too far this time. Stop messing with my head. I'm going to HR!"

I beg them both to listen, "Guys, please, I can explain. This is all just an accident. I'm not making copies of my penis. When I jumped onto the copier, my pants came off and the shelf collapsed at the same time. I'm just holding it up so it doesn't collapse on me."

Fake JZ exclaims, "That's just ridiculous. I'm going to HR!"
Donny interjects, "Brrro, you need to see a shrink."

I continue to beg them, "Please guys I need your help. I'm really stuck. Donny, help me hold up the shelf. Fake JZ, please help me with my pants before someone else comes by and sees this."

They reluctantly decide to help me once they realize I'm in a legitimate predicament.

Donny climbs up right behind me to help me hold up the shelf, "Brrro, your bare-naked ass just rubbed up against the front of my pant. I cannot describe the sort of wrong I feel right now. If anyone see me in this position with you, I'm going to be ruined."

Fake JZ, consciously avoiding eye contact with my thingies, is helping me extricate my pants from the copier. While she's doing this, I make my sincerest apology to her about the flirting incident. She's still fuming, "Fake JS, I accept your apology, but why are you such an idiot?! Why do you always put me in awkward situations like this?!" She's starting to yank really hard on the pants. I'm afraid she's going to ruin it and just before I was I about to tell her to take it easy, she interrupts me, "Geez, your pants is really stuck to this copier. How did you get it stuck like this? I can't believe I'm doing this for you..."

Just as Fake JZ finishes her sentence, King Jorge and Hugo "The Huge" Downer walk into the copy room. A look of horror is etched on their faces. Oh god, this looks really really bad. Donny and I are speechless. Fake JZ lets out a scream and bursts into tears. We all react in our own panicked way because we know what this looks like to King Jorge and Hugo - Fake DM is giving it to me doggie style while Fake JZ is taking off my pants.

Hugo looks at King Jorge and says, "Wh...Wh...What the f**k is this?"

King Jorge replies, "Well, Hugo... it looks like Fake DM and Fake JS are and Fake JZ is..."

I've never seen King Jorge at such a loss for words...

King Jorge continues, "You know what Hugo, I'm not going to explain what we're looking at right now because I can't. I just know there must be an explanation. I'm going to get to the bottom of this and get back to you."

This is going to be bad. It doesn't matter that I'm writing this in my secret diary that no one will ever read because enough people already know about this incident which means the whole company will eventually know about it. Things like this spread like wild fire.

Ah Brrro, I'm having a really bad day.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Making Copies - Part 1

I walk into the copy room. I see Fake DM (aka Donny).
I walk over and pat him on the shoulder, "Ah Brrro..."
He smiles at me, "Brrro...How ya doin'?"
I smile back at him, "How ya doin'?"
He replies, "How's it going?"

I reply to him, "Ah Brrro, not too well. I need your help. I had a misunderstanding with Fake JZ. I just want to set everything straight." Donny looks at me and says, "I heard all about it. Brrro, how could you think that Fake JZ would purposely do something like that? She's so embarrassed that she canceled all her meetings in the morning. You really should apologize to her."

He actually thinks it's my fault. I must voice my disapproval, "Ah Brrro, you weren't there."

He gives me the evil eyes, "Brrro, Come on. It's Fake JZ."

I reply, "Ah Brrro, you're right. I give up. Just bring her over here and I'll apologize."

Donny picks up his stack of copies and leaves the copy room, "Brrro, no problem. I'll bring her here in a few minutes."

Anyways, back to the reason why I came to the copy room. I put my paperwork on the copier and I press the "Copy" button. Nothing happens. I look down at the copy machine and it says, "OUT OF PAPER". I put my paperwork aside to look for more copy paper. I look in the cabinets. Nothing. The only paper I see are those stacked on a shelf high above the copier. There's no ladder. The only way to get to it is to climb on the copier. I guess I'm gonna have to do it myself since no one is around to help.

I struggle trying to get on top of the copier. When I finally get proper leverage to push myself up, my pants gets caught on a lever of the copier - the copier was going to tip over and crush me unless I pushed myself up.

What happens next is no lie. I can't make up stuff like this...

Everything happened in one motion. I pushed myself up with all my might. I practically flew up over the copier and banged my head against the shelf before landing on the copier. This caused the shelf to collapsed, but I caught it with both of my hands before it fell on my beautiful face. We cannot have that happen. That's not all, the copier effectively stripped my pants down to my ankles when I flew upwards because my pants was caught below on a lever of the copier.

So I'm standing in an eagle-spread position on top of a copier completely naked below the waist with my willy and moon in full view while holding up a collapsed shelf. It gets worse, one of the packet of papers fall off the shelf and onto the copier's control console and suddenly the copier screen displays, "COPIER RESET. MAKING 500 COPIES NOW..."

I though there was no paper.

Oh no...

I'm standing on top of the copier and it's making copies of my willy. This is embarrassing, but this is nothing compared to what happens next...

(to be continued: Making Copies - Part 2)

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Sharing a new office with Fake JZ

Fake JZ and I moved into our new office. She insisted that we setup our desks so that we face each other when sitting down. She kept going on and on about how the latest management theories say this will increase productivity because it breaks down barriers.

Whatever, I'm pretty upset with this office setup because every time I look up I see her instead of a highly reflective surface. Don't get me wrong she's not bad looking, but she's definitely not me. Definitely not as hot as me. No one really is. The problem is she's really smart and I'm too stupid to convince her otherwise, so we are doing it her way.

But all was not lost. You see she's constantly preoccupied with her job so she doesn't pay attention to much else so I was able to setup a bunch of "decorative" mirrors on the wall behind her - She didn't even notice. Sharing an office with her isn't so bad now.

It's the first day in our new office - we both settle into our daily routines and I'm beginning to find that it's not so bad. She does her thing whatever it is and I'm admiring myself with my compact. Every once in a while I use the mirrors behind Fake JZ to get a different view of myself. Every time I look at myself I'm still so enthralled by how so sexy am I - I can never get bored of admiring myself. I practice smiling from all the different angles for the next few hours - I'm such a lady magnet when I smile.

During this time, I notice that Fake JZ's gaze and my gaze cross while I'm transitioning from admiring myself with my compact to practicing smiling with the mirrors on the wall. Every time this happens she smiles at me. Is she flirting with me? Suddenly I feel her foot against my leg. Is she playing footsies with me? I'm so stricken with fear that I keep my leg still hoping maybe it's a mistake or something. She does it again - she smiles at me and underneath the desk she tickles my leg with her foot. Oh god, she is flirting with me.

This is awkward. Donny cannot know about this? I have to do something about this.

I jump off my desk and scream, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING FAKE JZ?!"

A look of shock comes across her face. She replies, "What now, Fake JS?" She tries to feign ignorance so I call her on it, "Don't play coy with me Fake JZ, you're flirting with me. You've been sending the signals with your smile the whole day!"

Fake JZ's face turns red.

The truth hurts doesn't it?

She replies, "What? I'm smiling at you?! You've been smiling at me all day. I initially thought you were trying to flirt with me, but since we've known each other for so long I figured "flirting" would be out of the realm of possibility for us. I just assume you were just being friendly because we are now office mates so I was just being polite by returning a smile."

Not the response I expected. This is getting awkward.

She has a point. I've been practicing smiling into the mirrors behind her all day. She must have mistaken it for flirting. I feel my face getting hot until I realized she did play footsies with me. A-HA! The bitch is still trying to cover her tracks. She was flirting with me. This is just part of her game. She thinks she's so smart, but I know I'm too hot for any girl to resist. She's busted. I'm calling her on the footsie thing, "Nice try Fake JZ. You almost had me, but you were playing footsies with me! Explain that!"

Her face turns angry, "ME?! PLAY FOOTSIES WITH YOU?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"

We just stare at each other in dead silence and suddenly the look of anger changes to a look of concern on her face, "When I'm thinking things through I tap the legs of the desk with my foot. It's something I always do. Was that your leg Fake JS? Oh god, that was your leg! Oh god. Oh god. I'm a mother and a wife. HOW CAN I FACE MY FAMILY?! FAKE JS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"

Fake JZ's face turns white from the guilt. She runs out the office screaming.

Just as Fake JZ is running out of the office, Hugo "The Huge" Downer and King Jorge were passing by. She runs over Downer and jets away to who knows where.

Both King Jorge and Downer are completely confused by what just happened. King Jorge helps Downer up from the floor. They both give me a dirty look. King Jorge says to me, "What the hell was that about?"

I just shake my head and shrug, "Sorry King Jorge, you wouldn't believe me if I told you."

King Jorge just shakes his head and Hugo looks at him and says, "What's wrong with your team? Why do you let them get away with behavior like this?"

Damn. I made King Jorge look like a complete idiot in front of his boss again...

It suddenly dawns on me, she wasn't flirting with me. It was just a string of coincidences that created an awkward situation causing my imagination to run wild. All this has transpired because of my own self-absorbed behavior.

This is truly embarrassing. Thank god this is a secret diary that Fake JZ's family will never read.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Ah Brrro, shared office spaces...

It's 8am in the morning, I just got into to work and before I can even catch a glimpse of myself on a highly reflective surface, King Jorge pops in my office. He looks like he really needs to talk to me, but I stand my ground this time. I've had enough of him being so self-centered. It's always about him. I didn't even get a chance to look in the mirror yet. It was really windy today and the walk from the parking lot to the office could have been really disastrous for my hair. I tell King Jorge to give me a minute. I whip out my compact to look at myself. Ah, there you are handsome. The face. The hair. The smile. Immaculate as always. I don't even know why I bother checking. Oh I know why, because I'm sooo hot.

I hear a "Ahem..." in the background. It came from King Jorge. I almost forgot he was standing there waiting for me, but can you really blame me? It's so easy to be so self-absorbed with a face like this. Alright, he's still my boss so I'll show some respect, "What's up King Jorge?" He replies, "We need to talk Fake JS." He has some paperwork in his hands. He points to it and says, "I just got orders from my new boss, Hugo 'The Huge' Downer. He wants us to consolidate office spaces to make space for his team. We all will be sharing offices with another co-worker from now on."

Ah Brrro....

King Jorge was not kidding about the de-motivation thing with Hugo. This really sucks, having another person in my office will mean that they will want to decorate their part of the office with their stuff. I'm gonna lose a lot mirror space. I needed to know who was going to be my office-mate. Please don't let it be my man-assistant, Hans. Please let it be my Donny, um...I mean, my best bud Fake DM.

I need to know...

"King Jorge, who's my office-mate?"

He flips through the paperwork and until he finds my name. He looks up and says, "Fake JZ"

Ah Brrro. Why does it have to be her? This is awkward (cross reference King Jorge: Fix The JVM Problem, King Jorge: The JVM Problem is Fixed and The King Jorge Era is Established, and Do these hotpants make my buttocks look big?). I guess it's not that bad. It could have been worse. It could have been my man-assistant Hans.

I whip out my compact to admire myself so that I don't have to think about the awkwardness of having Fake JZ as an office-she-mate, but thoughts of what could have been if Donny and I were office-mate saddens me. I feel a tear trickle down my smooth and handsome left cheek. I cannot be alone right now so I photograph myself nude and load the images onto my computer's screensaver and watch that for the rest of the day.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Welcome Aboard Hugo Downer

I'm checking out myself with my compact and I get a new message in my inbox from my boss, King Jorge:

-----Original Message-----
From: King Jorge

Sent: Thursday, December 06, 2007 7:06 AM

To: Minions of King Jorge

Cc: Hugo Downer

Subject: Welcome Aboard Hugo Downer

Hi all,

Due to the recent reorganization and consolidation of different branch offices at our company I will have a new boss. His name is Hugo Downer. He brings with him an impressive record of 30 plus years of software development experience in various industries. Please join me in giving him a warm welcome.


King Jorge

-----End of Message-----

Whatever. Who cares. Hugo Downer can go bugger himself for all I care. It's just blah blah corporate organization stuff. Besides, I'm busy admiring myself. God, why is King Jorge always wasting my time with crap like it. So I whip out my compact again to start admiring myself and King Jorge barges into my office and begins yapping, "Did you get my email Fake JS?" I'm annoyed since I cannot continue to look into my compact, but I need this job because keeping myself this good looking is expensive so I reply, "Yes I did. Corporate re-org stuff. Downer, right?"

King Jorge immediately cuts me off, "Yeah, that's just a crock of corporate blah blah blah. I had to put a positive spin on this. Before I met him I've heard rumors about Hugo Downer. None good. He tells everyone he's a ray of sunshine that brings the best out of his team. The truth is he's totally clueless and incompetent. The only thing he's good at is de-motivation, indecision, and confusion. That why everyone who's worked with him before calls him 'The Hugh Downer'
...Hugo 'The Hugh' Downer. I just got out of my introduction meeting with Downer and unfortunately all the rumors are true."

I finally realize the implication and all I can utter is...

"Ah Brrro..."

King Jorge replies, "Ah Brrro indeed. I need your help with this Fake JS otherwise we will never get anything done and my team will fall apart...", but before King Jorge can get in another word, Hugh Downer barges into my office to introduce himself to me, "Hi, my name is Hugo Downer. You are?"

Oh my god, I can't stop looking at Downer's big bald shiny round head. He's got the total Kojak look going. It's so shiny and huge...

"Hi, I'm Fake JS. Nice to meet you Hugh Downer."

King Jorge nudges me with his elbow and whispers, "It's Hugo..."

"Err...Hugo....Hugo D...D...Downer."

Downer looks at King Jorge and says, "Get your reports to get my name right. This shows you cut too much slack to your team. They're walking all over you. This has to change."

King Jorge replies, "Yes sir, Mr. Downer."

Downer looks back at me, "Nice to meet you too Fake J. Ass. There are going to be big changes around here Fake J. Ass. I'm making things more efficient and more effective. I'm the ray of sunshine that's gonna make this place a quality organization."

As soon as Downer walks out of my office, King Jorge smacks me on the back of my head, "Ah Brrro, It's Hugo, Fake JS. Hugo. God, what did I do wrong in my previous life?"

Ah Brrro, my name is not Fake J. Ass. No one has ever called me Fake J. Ass, this is just flat out embarrassing. Thank god this is a secret diary.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Ah Brro, Throw Me A Friggin Bone!


Namaste. We need to talk.

I recently read from your secret diaries (My God I'm a sexy bitch) that you want the only thing I have; the I'm-so-sexy-that-I-need-to-check-myself-out-in-the-mirror routine.

Ah Brro, Throw Me A Friggin Bone!

You have the iPod. You have the iPhone. You have Apple faithfuls' unwavering love and trust. I don't think I need to mention anything from Pixar, do I? Everything you touch turns to gold. Everything geeky becomes a cultural phenomena after you've blessed it. You even have your own book now. Isn't that enough?

Don't be Google and try to take over everything. Leave the little guys like me out of your games 'cause my pretty face is the only thing I have. Please don't take away my only asset.

There it is. My plea, fake person to fake person.


Friday, November 23, 2007

Rocket Man

I go pick up my female self, Fake EL, for a date. Her sister, Fake RL, is there when I arrive. She once again threatens to kill me if I make any kind of move on my female self. I put up with it because my female self is really hot - she looks exactly like what I used to look like before I was beaten up by Fake RL, except she's a girl.

While we are driving to the shopping mall my female self says to me, "Your face, it looks like it's healing up pretty well. The scabby stuff is beginning to get really flaky and dry. You're well on your way to a full recovery." Her statement leaves me so confused. I'm happy that I'm going to make a full recovery and look hot again, but did she have to mention the scabby stuff on my face? I start to get all choked up, but I didn't want her to know that I'm so emotionally unstable so I tell her I'm crying because I'm choking on a grape stem stuck in my throat.

When we arrived, we head straight for Sephora and Bath and Body Works to buy moisturizers and mud masks. We share tips and advice on different anti-wrinkle and anti-aging creams. We are having so much fun that I almost forgot about my scabby flaky face.

After we finish shopping Fake EL asks, "Fake JS, do you want to do a facial together?" Oh my god, my female clone wants to exfoliate with me. This is the definitive next-step in our relationship. Of course I want to do a facial with my female self! I immediately book an appointment with Alejandro, my personal facial and massage specialist, for a his-and-hers facial and massage session. He tells me his spa, Alejandro's Man Spa For Masculine Manly Men, usually doesn't do women, but since I'm one of his best customers he makes an exception.

We arrive at Alejandro's Man Spa for Masculine Manly Men in no time and immediately land in exfoliation bliss. Alejandro is working on me while his man-assistant Renaldo is working on my female self. I can't believe my female self and I are doing a his-and-hers facial and massage so soon. Are we moving too fast? I think I love her. Does she feel the same way about me? I've only ever felt this way about myself, but someone else - that's new territory. These thoughts completely consume me during the facial and massage session. Suddenly, Alejandro and his man assistant tells me, "We are done. We'll leave you alone now Rocket Man..." They both leave the room giggling.

Rocket Man? What do they mean?

It was at this moment that I realized that I was so aroused by the fact that I am doing a his-and-her facial and massage with Fake EL that my "number-one" peer out through all the towels covering my Adonis body - Alejandro and Renaldo saw it. No wonder why they left us alone. This is so embarrassing, They'll think I'm such a slut. Dear god I hope they don't they tell Donny about this. Thank god Fake EL has cucumbers over her eyes so she hasn't seen my "number-one" display itself in its full glory. I need to calm "it" down so I focus all my thoughts on Hans and in no time "it" shrivels back into hibernation.

Not too long afterwards Fake EL gets up and looks at me. She has an ear-to-ear smile on her face. I asked her, "Why so cheery?" She doesn't say anything to me. She pulls out her compact and hands it to me. I tell her, "There's no way I'm looking at myself with all the scabby crap on my face", but she insists so I reluctantly do it and to my surprise....

My face has completely healed! WOO HOO!

Apparently the citrus scrub that Alejandro did during my facial completely cleaned off all the flaky scabs. My face is as BEAUTIFUL and as PERFECT as it was before Fake RL mangled it in a brawl. I burst into tears of happiness. Fake EL's smile becomes a laugh. We hug. We lock lips. Our first kiss - there couldn't be a more appropriate moment.

I've so in love with myself right now that my "number-one" shoots out again from the towels wrap around my body. Rocket Man has returned. It's embarrassing, but I don't care - I hope everyone reads this entry of my secret diary - it's been so long since I've admired myself. I can't believe how much I miss myself.

I'm so beautiful.
I'm so handsome.
I'm so hot.

I'm so giddy that I start dancing just like the baby in this video:

I can't stop this feelin' deep inside of me.
Self, I just don't realize what I do to me.

When I hold me in my arms so tight,
I let me know everything's alright.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm...hooked on a feelin',
High on believin' that I'm in love with meeeeeee.

Lips are sweet as candy, the taste stays on my mind.
Self, I keep me thirsty for another cup of wine!

I got it bad for me, self, but I don't need a cure.
I'll just stay a addicted and hope I can endure!

All the good love, when we're all alone.
Keep it up, self, yeah I turn me on.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm...hooked on a feelin',
High on believin' that I'm in love with meeeeeee.

All the good love, when I'm all alone,
Keep it up, self, yeah I turn me on.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm...hooked on a feelin',
I'm high on believin' that I'm in love with meeeeeee.