Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Sharing a new office with Fake JZ

Fake JZ and I moved into our new office. She insisted that we setup our desks so that we face each other when sitting down. She kept going on and on about how the latest management theories say this will increase productivity because it breaks down barriers.

Whatever, I'm pretty upset with this office setup because every time I look up I see her instead of a highly reflective surface. Don't get me wrong she's not bad looking, but she's definitely not me. Definitely not as hot as me. No one really is. The problem is she's really smart and I'm too stupid to convince her otherwise, so we are doing it her way.

But all was not lost. You see she's constantly preoccupied with her job so she doesn't pay attention to much else so I was able to setup a bunch of "decorative" mirrors on the wall behind her - She didn't even notice. Sharing an office with her isn't so bad now.

It's the first day in our new office - we both settle into our daily routines and I'm beginning to find that it's not so bad. She does her thing whatever it is and I'm admiring myself with my compact. Every once in a while I use the mirrors behind Fake JZ to get a different view of myself. Every time I look at myself I'm still so enthralled by how so sexy am I - I can never get bored of admiring myself. I practice smiling from all the different angles for the next few hours - I'm such a lady magnet when I smile.

During this time, I notice that Fake JZ's gaze and my gaze cross while I'm transitioning from admiring myself with my compact to practicing smiling with the mirrors on the wall. Every time this happens she smiles at me. Is she flirting with me? Suddenly I feel her foot against my leg. Is she playing footsies with me? I'm so stricken with fear that I keep my leg still hoping maybe it's a mistake or something. She does it again - she smiles at me and underneath the desk she tickles my leg with her foot. Oh god, she is flirting with me.

This is awkward. Donny cannot know about this? I have to do something about this.

I jump off my desk and scream, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING FAKE JZ?!"

A look of shock comes across her face. She replies, "What now, Fake JS?" She tries to feign ignorance so I call her on it, "Don't play coy with me Fake JZ, you're flirting with me. You've been sending the signals with your smile the whole day!"

Fake JZ's face turns red.

The truth hurts doesn't it?

She replies, "What? I'm smiling at you?! You've been smiling at me all day. I initially thought you were trying to flirt with me, but since we've known each other for so long I figured "flirting" would be out of the realm of possibility for us. I just assume you were just being friendly because we are now office mates so I was just being polite by returning a smile."

Not the response I expected. This is getting awkward.

She has a point. I've been practicing smiling into the mirrors behind her all day. She must have mistaken it for flirting. I feel my face getting hot until I realized she did play footsies with me. A-HA! The bitch is still trying to cover her tracks. She was flirting with me. This is just part of her game. She thinks she's so smart, but I know I'm too hot for any girl to resist. She's busted. I'm calling her on the footsie thing, "Nice try Fake JZ. You almost had me, but you were playing footsies with me! Explain that!"

Her face turns angry, "ME?! PLAY FOOTSIES WITH YOU?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"

We just stare at each other in dead silence and suddenly the look of anger changes to a look of concern on her face, "When I'm thinking things through I tap the legs of the desk with my foot. It's something I always do. Was that your leg Fake JS? Oh god, that was your leg! Oh god. Oh god. I'm a mother and a wife. HOW CAN I FACE MY FAMILY?! FAKE JS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"

Fake JZ's face turns white from the guilt. She runs out the office screaming.

Just as Fake JZ is running out of the office, Hugo "The Huge" Downer and King Jorge were passing by. She runs over Downer and jets away to who knows where.

Both King Jorge and Downer are completely confused by what just happened. King Jorge helps Downer up from the floor. They both give me a dirty look. King Jorge says to me, "What the hell was that about?"

I just shake my head and shrug, "Sorry King Jorge, you wouldn't believe me if I told you."

King Jorge just shakes his head and Hugo looks at him and says, "What's wrong with your team? Why do you let them get away with behavior like this?"

Damn. I made King Jorge look like a complete idiot in front of his boss again...

It suddenly dawns on me, she wasn't flirting with me. It was just a string of coincidences that created an awkward situation causing my imagination to run wild. All this has transpired because of my own self-absorbed behavior.

This is truly embarrassing. Thank god this is a secret diary that Fake JZ's family will never read.

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