Thursday, December 6, 2007

Welcome Aboard Hugo Downer

I'm checking out myself with my compact and I get a new message in my inbox from my boss, King Jorge:

-----Original Message-----
From: King Jorge

Sent: Thursday, December 06, 2007 7:06 AM

To: Minions of King Jorge

Cc: Hugo Downer

Subject: Welcome Aboard Hugo Downer

Hi all,

Due to the recent reorganization and consolidation of different branch offices at our company I will have a new boss. His name is Hugo Downer. He brings with him an impressive record of 30 plus years of software development experience in various industries. Please join me in giving him a warm welcome.


King Jorge

-----End of Message-----

Whatever. Who cares. Hugo Downer can go bugger himself for all I care. It's just blah blah corporate organization stuff. Besides, I'm busy admiring myself. God, why is King Jorge always wasting my time with crap like it. So I whip out my compact again to start admiring myself and King Jorge barges into my office and begins yapping, "Did you get my email Fake JS?" I'm annoyed since I cannot continue to look into my compact, but I need this job because keeping myself this good looking is expensive so I reply, "Yes I did. Corporate re-org stuff. Downer, right?"

King Jorge immediately cuts me off, "Yeah, that's just a crock of corporate blah blah blah. I had to put a positive spin on this. Before I met him I've heard rumors about Hugo Downer. None good. He tells everyone he's a ray of sunshine that brings the best out of his team. The truth is he's totally clueless and incompetent. The only thing he's good at is de-motivation, indecision, and confusion. That why everyone who's worked with him before calls him 'The Hugh Downer'
...Hugo 'The Hugh' Downer. I just got out of my introduction meeting with Downer and unfortunately all the rumors are true."

I finally realize the implication and all I can utter is...

"Ah Brrro..."

King Jorge replies, "Ah Brrro indeed. I need your help with this Fake JS otherwise we will never get anything done and my team will fall apart...", but before King Jorge can get in another word, Hugh Downer barges into my office to introduce himself to me, "Hi, my name is Hugo Downer. You are?"

Oh my god, I can't stop looking at Downer's big bald shiny round head. He's got the total Kojak look going. It's so shiny and huge...

"Hi, I'm Fake JS. Nice to meet you Hugh Downer."

King Jorge nudges me with his elbow and whispers, "It's Hugo..."

"Err...Hugo....Hugo D...D...Downer."

Downer looks at King Jorge and says, "Get your reports to get my name right. This shows you cut too much slack to your team. They're walking all over you. This has to change."

King Jorge replies, "Yes sir, Mr. Downer."

Downer looks back at me, "Nice to meet you too Fake J. Ass. There are going to be big changes around here Fake J. Ass. I'm making things more efficient and more effective. I'm the ray of sunshine that's gonna make this place a quality organization."

As soon as Downer walks out of my office, King Jorge smacks me on the back of my head, "Ah Brrro, It's Hugo, Fake JS. Hugo. God, what did I do wrong in my previous life?"

Ah Brrro, my name is not Fake J. Ass. No one has ever called me Fake J. Ass, this is just flat out embarrassing. Thank god this is a secret diary.

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