Thursday, December 13, 2007

Making Copies - Part 2

(continued from: Making Copies - Part 1)

I'm in the copy room. I'm naked below the waist. I'm standing on top of a copier in a eagle-spread position. The copier is busily making 500 copies of my willy. I'm in this ridiculous predicament due to a series of unfortunate events as describe in my previous secret diary entry. I'm currently contemplating how I will be able to get myself out of this pickle...

Suddenly Donny and Fake JZ enter the copy room. Donny's jaw drops to the ground. Fake JZ screams and covers her face.

"Wait guys, I can explain. This was an accident." I immediately exclaimed.

Donny finally comes to his senses and utters, "Brrro! What the F**k?! Why are you making copies of your penis?"

Fake JZ interjects, "Fake JS, you've gone too far this time. Stop messing with my head. I'm going to HR!"

I beg them both to listen, "Guys, please, I can explain. This is all just an accident. I'm not making copies of my penis. When I jumped onto the copier, my pants came off and the shelf collapsed at the same time. I'm just holding it up so it doesn't collapse on me."

Fake JZ exclaims, "That's just ridiculous. I'm going to HR!"
Donny interjects, "Brrro, you need to see a shrink."

I continue to beg them, "Please guys I need your help. I'm really stuck. Donny, help me hold up the shelf. Fake JZ, please help me with my pants before someone else comes by and sees this."

They reluctantly decide to help me once they realize I'm in a legitimate predicament.

Donny climbs up right behind me to help me hold up the shelf, "Brrro, your bare-naked ass just rubbed up against the front of my pant. I cannot describe the sort of wrong I feel right now. If anyone see me in this position with you, I'm going to be ruined."

Fake JZ, consciously avoiding eye contact with my thingies, is helping me extricate my pants from the copier. While she's doing this, I make my sincerest apology to her about the flirting incident. She's still fuming, "Fake JS, I accept your apology, but why are you such an idiot?! Why do you always put me in awkward situations like this?!" She's starting to yank really hard on the pants. I'm afraid she's going to ruin it and just before I was I about to tell her to take it easy, she interrupts me, "Geez, your pants is really stuck to this copier. How did you get it stuck like this? I can't believe I'm doing this for you..."

Just as Fake JZ finishes her sentence, King Jorge and Hugo "The Huge" Downer walk into the copy room. A look of horror is etched on their faces. Oh god, this looks really really bad. Donny and I are speechless. Fake JZ lets out a scream and bursts into tears. We all react in our own panicked way because we know what this looks like to King Jorge and Hugo - Fake DM is giving it to me doggie style while Fake JZ is taking off my pants.

Hugo looks at King Jorge and says, "Wh...Wh...What the f**k is this?"

King Jorge replies, "Well, Hugo... it looks like Fake DM and Fake JS are and Fake JZ is..."

I've never seen King Jorge at such a loss for words...

King Jorge continues, "You know what Hugo, I'm not going to explain what we're looking at right now because I can't. I just know there must be an explanation. I'm going to get to the bottom of this and get back to you."

This is going to be bad. It doesn't matter that I'm writing this in my secret diary that no one will ever read because enough people already know about this incident which means the whole company will eventually know about it. Things like this spread like wild fire.

Ah Brrro, I'm having a really bad day.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Making Copies - Part 1

I walk into the copy room. I see Fake DM (aka Donny).
I walk over and pat him on the shoulder, "Ah Brrro..."
He smiles at me, "Brrro...How ya doin'?"
I smile back at him, "How ya doin'?"
He replies, "How's it going?"

I reply to him, "Ah Brrro, not too well. I need your help. I had a misunderstanding with Fake JZ. I just want to set everything straight." Donny looks at me and says, "I heard all about it. Brrro, how could you think that Fake JZ would purposely do something like that? She's so embarrassed that she canceled all her meetings in the morning. You really should apologize to her."

He actually thinks it's my fault. I must voice my disapproval, "Ah Brrro, you weren't there."

He gives me the evil eyes, "Brrro, Come on. It's Fake JZ."

I reply, "Ah Brrro, you're right. I give up. Just bring her over here and I'll apologize."

Donny picks up his stack of copies and leaves the copy room, "Brrro, no problem. I'll bring her here in a few minutes."

Anyways, back to the reason why I came to the copy room. I put my paperwork on the copier and I press the "Copy" button. Nothing happens. I look down at the copy machine and it says, "OUT OF PAPER". I put my paperwork aside to look for more copy paper. I look in the cabinets. Nothing. The only paper I see are those stacked on a shelf high above the copier. There's no ladder. The only way to get to it is to climb on the copier. I guess I'm gonna have to do it myself since no one is around to help.

I struggle trying to get on top of the copier. When I finally get proper leverage to push myself up, my pants gets caught on a lever of the copier - the copier was going to tip over and crush me unless I pushed myself up.

What happens next is no lie. I can't make up stuff like this...

Everything happened in one motion. I pushed myself up with all my might. I practically flew up over the copier and banged my head against the shelf before landing on the copier. This caused the shelf to collapsed, but I caught it with both of my hands before it fell on my beautiful face. We cannot have that happen. That's not all, the copier effectively stripped my pants down to my ankles when I flew upwards because my pants was caught below on a lever of the copier.

So I'm standing in an eagle-spread position on top of a copier completely naked below the waist with my willy and moon in full view while holding up a collapsed shelf. It gets worse, one of the packet of papers fall off the shelf and onto the copier's control console and suddenly the copier screen displays, "COPIER RESET. MAKING 500 COPIES NOW..."

I though there was no paper.

Oh no...

I'm standing on top of the copier and it's making copies of my willy. This is embarrassing, but this is nothing compared to what happens next...

(to be continued: Making Copies - Part 2)

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Sharing a new office with Fake JZ

Fake JZ and I moved into our new office. She insisted that we setup our desks so that we face each other when sitting down. She kept going on and on about how the latest management theories say this will increase productivity because it breaks down barriers.

Whatever, I'm pretty upset with this office setup because every time I look up I see her instead of a highly reflective surface. Don't get me wrong she's not bad looking, but she's definitely not me. Definitely not as hot as me. No one really is. The problem is she's really smart and I'm too stupid to convince her otherwise, so we are doing it her way.

But all was not lost. You see she's constantly preoccupied with her job so she doesn't pay attention to much else so I was able to setup a bunch of "decorative" mirrors on the wall behind her - She didn't even notice. Sharing an office with her isn't so bad now.

It's the first day in our new office - we both settle into our daily routines and I'm beginning to find that it's not so bad. She does her thing whatever it is and I'm admiring myself with my compact. Every once in a while I use the mirrors behind Fake JZ to get a different view of myself. Every time I look at myself I'm still so enthralled by how so sexy am I - I can never get bored of admiring myself. I practice smiling from all the different angles for the next few hours - I'm such a lady magnet when I smile.

During this time, I notice that Fake JZ's gaze and my gaze cross while I'm transitioning from admiring myself with my compact to practicing smiling with the mirrors on the wall. Every time this happens she smiles at me. Is she flirting with me? Suddenly I feel her foot against my leg. Is she playing footsies with me? I'm so stricken with fear that I keep my leg still hoping maybe it's a mistake or something. She does it again - she smiles at me and underneath the desk she tickles my leg with her foot. Oh god, she is flirting with me.

This is awkward. Donny cannot know about this? I have to do something about this.

I jump off my desk and scream, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING FAKE JZ?!"

A look of shock comes across her face. She replies, "What now, Fake JS?" She tries to feign ignorance so I call her on it, "Don't play coy with me Fake JZ, you're flirting with me. You've been sending the signals with your smile the whole day!"

Fake JZ's face turns red.

The truth hurts doesn't it?

She replies, "What? I'm smiling at you?! You've been smiling at me all day. I initially thought you were trying to flirt with me, but since we've known each other for so long I figured "flirting" would be out of the realm of possibility for us. I just assume you were just being friendly because we are now office mates so I was just being polite by returning a smile."

Not the response I expected. This is getting awkward.

She has a point. I've been practicing smiling into the mirrors behind her all day. She must have mistaken it for flirting. I feel my face getting hot until I realized she did play footsies with me. A-HA! The bitch is still trying to cover her tracks. She was flirting with me. This is just part of her game. She thinks she's so smart, but I know I'm too hot for any girl to resist. She's busted. I'm calling her on the footsie thing, "Nice try Fake JZ. You almost had me, but you were playing footsies with me! Explain that!"

Her face turns angry, "ME?! PLAY FOOTSIES WITH YOU?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"

We just stare at each other in dead silence and suddenly the look of anger changes to a look of concern on her face, "When I'm thinking things through I tap the legs of the desk with my foot. It's something I always do. Was that your leg Fake JS? Oh god, that was your leg! Oh god. Oh god. I'm a mother and a wife. HOW CAN I FACE MY FAMILY?! FAKE JS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"

Fake JZ's face turns white from the guilt. She runs out the office screaming.

Just as Fake JZ is running out of the office, Hugo "The Huge" Downer and King Jorge were passing by. She runs over Downer and jets away to who knows where.

Both King Jorge and Downer are completely confused by what just happened. King Jorge helps Downer up from the floor. They both give me a dirty look. King Jorge says to me, "What the hell was that about?"

I just shake my head and shrug, "Sorry King Jorge, you wouldn't believe me if I told you."

King Jorge just shakes his head and Hugo looks at him and says, "What's wrong with your team? Why do you let them get away with behavior like this?"

Damn. I made King Jorge look like a complete idiot in front of his boss again...

It suddenly dawns on me, she wasn't flirting with me. It was just a string of coincidences that created an awkward situation causing my imagination to run wild. All this has transpired because of my own self-absorbed behavior.

This is truly embarrassing. Thank god this is a secret diary that Fake JZ's family will never read.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Ah Brrro, shared office spaces...

It's 8am in the morning, I just got into to work and before I can even catch a glimpse of myself on a highly reflective surface, King Jorge pops in my office. He looks like he really needs to talk to me, but I stand my ground this time. I've had enough of him being so self-centered. It's always about him. I didn't even get a chance to look in the mirror yet. It was really windy today and the walk from the parking lot to the office could have been really disastrous for my hair. I tell King Jorge to give me a minute. I whip out my compact to look at myself. Ah, there you are handsome. The face. The hair. The smile. Immaculate as always. I don't even know why I bother checking. Oh I know why, because I'm sooo hot.

I hear a "Ahem..." in the background. It came from King Jorge. I almost forgot he was standing there waiting for me, but can you really blame me? It's so easy to be so self-absorbed with a face like this. Alright, he's still my boss so I'll show some respect, "What's up King Jorge?" He replies, "We need to talk Fake JS." He has some paperwork in his hands. He points to it and says, "I just got orders from my new boss, Hugo 'The Huge' Downer. He wants us to consolidate office spaces to make space for his team. We all will be sharing offices with another co-worker from now on."

Ah Brrro....

King Jorge was not kidding about the de-motivation thing with Hugo. This really sucks, having another person in my office will mean that they will want to decorate their part of the office with their stuff. I'm gonna lose a lot mirror space. I needed to know who was going to be my office-mate. Please don't let it be my man-assistant, Hans. Please let it be my Donny, um...I mean, my best bud Fake DM.

I need to know...

"King Jorge, who's my office-mate?"

He flips through the paperwork and until he finds my name. He looks up and says, "Fake JZ"

Ah Brrro. Why does it have to be her? This is awkward (cross reference King Jorge: Fix The JVM Problem, King Jorge: The JVM Problem is Fixed and The King Jorge Era is Established, and Do these hotpants make my buttocks look big?). I guess it's not that bad. It could have been worse. It could have been my man-assistant Hans.

I whip out my compact to admire myself so that I don't have to think about the awkwardness of having Fake JZ as an office-she-mate, but thoughts of what could have been if Donny and I were office-mate saddens me. I feel a tear trickle down my smooth and handsome left cheek. I cannot be alone right now so I photograph myself nude and load the images onto my computer's screensaver and watch that for the rest of the day.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Welcome Aboard Hugo Downer

I'm checking out myself with my compact and I get a new message in my inbox from my boss, King Jorge:

-----Original Message-----
From: King Jorge

Sent: Thursday, December 06, 2007 7:06 AM

To: Minions of King Jorge

Cc: Hugo Downer

Subject: Welcome Aboard Hugo Downer

Hi all,

Due to the recent reorganization and consolidation of different branch offices at our company I will have a new boss. His name is Hugo Downer. He brings with him an impressive record of 30 plus years of software development experience in various industries. Please join me in giving him a warm welcome.


King Jorge

-----End of Message-----

Whatever. Who cares. Hugo Downer can go bugger himself for all I care. It's just blah blah corporate organization stuff. Besides, I'm busy admiring myself. God, why is King Jorge always wasting my time with crap like it. So I whip out my compact again to start admiring myself and King Jorge barges into my office and begins yapping, "Did you get my email Fake JS?" I'm annoyed since I cannot continue to look into my compact, but I need this job because keeping myself this good looking is expensive so I reply, "Yes I did. Corporate re-org stuff. Downer, right?"

King Jorge immediately cuts me off, "Yeah, that's just a crock of corporate blah blah blah. I had to put a positive spin on this. Before I met him I've heard rumors about Hugo Downer. None good. He tells everyone he's a ray of sunshine that brings the best out of his team. The truth is he's totally clueless and incompetent. The only thing he's good at is de-motivation, indecision, and confusion. That why everyone who's worked with him before calls him 'The Hugh Downer'
...Hugo 'The Hugh' Downer. I just got out of my introduction meeting with Downer and unfortunately all the rumors are true."

I finally realize the implication and all I can utter is...

"Ah Brrro..."

King Jorge replies, "Ah Brrro indeed. I need your help with this Fake JS otherwise we will never get anything done and my team will fall apart...", but before King Jorge can get in another word, Hugh Downer barges into my office to introduce himself to me, "Hi, my name is Hugo Downer. You are?"

Oh my god, I can't stop looking at Downer's big bald shiny round head. He's got the total Kojak look going. It's so shiny and huge...

"Hi, I'm Fake JS. Nice to meet you Hugh Downer."

King Jorge nudges me with his elbow and whispers, "It's Hugo..."

"Err...Hugo....Hugo D...D...Downer."

Downer looks at King Jorge and says, "Get your reports to get my name right. This shows you cut too much slack to your team. They're walking all over you. This has to change."

King Jorge replies, "Yes sir, Mr. Downer."

Downer looks back at me, "Nice to meet you too Fake J. Ass. There are going to be big changes around here Fake J. Ass. I'm making things more efficient and more effective. I'm the ray of sunshine that's gonna make this place a quality organization."

As soon as Downer walks out of my office, King Jorge smacks me on the back of my head, "Ah Brrro, It's Hugo, Fake JS. Hugo. God, what did I do wrong in my previous life?"

Ah Brrro, my name is not Fake J. Ass. No one has ever called me Fake J. Ass, this is just flat out embarrassing. Thank god this is a secret diary.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Ah Brro, Throw Me A Friggin Bone!


Namaste. We need to talk.

I recently read from your secret diaries (My God I'm a sexy bitch) that you want the only thing I have; the I'm-so-sexy-that-I-need-to-check-myself-out-in-the-mirror routine.

Ah Brro, Throw Me A Friggin Bone!

You have the iPod. You have the iPhone. You have Apple faithfuls' unwavering love and trust. I don't think I need to mention anything from Pixar, do I? Everything you touch turns to gold. Everything geeky becomes a cultural phenomena after you've blessed it. You even have your own book now. Isn't that enough?

Don't be Google and try to take over everything. Leave the little guys like me out of your games 'cause my pretty face is the only thing I have. Please don't take away my only asset.

There it is. My plea, fake person to fake person.


Friday, November 23, 2007

Rocket Man

I go pick up my female self, Fake EL, for a date. Her sister, Fake RL, is there when I arrive. She once again threatens to kill me if I make any kind of move on my female self. I put up with it because my female self is really hot - she looks exactly like what I used to look like before I was beaten up by Fake RL, except she's a girl.

While we are driving to the shopping mall my female self says to me, "Your face, it looks like it's healing up pretty well. The scabby stuff is beginning to get really flaky and dry. You're well on your way to a full recovery." Her statement leaves me so confused. I'm happy that I'm going to make a full recovery and look hot again, but did she have to mention the scabby stuff on my face? I start to get all choked up, but I didn't want her to know that I'm so emotionally unstable so I tell her I'm crying because I'm choking on a grape stem stuck in my throat.

When we arrived, we head straight for Sephora and Bath and Body Works to buy moisturizers and mud masks. We share tips and advice on different anti-wrinkle and anti-aging creams. We are having so much fun that I almost forgot about my scabby flaky face.

After we finish shopping Fake EL asks, "Fake JS, do you want to do a facial together?" Oh my god, my female clone wants to exfoliate with me. This is the definitive next-step in our relationship. Of course I want to do a facial with my female self! I immediately book an appointment with Alejandro, my personal facial and massage specialist, for a his-and-hers facial and massage session. He tells me his spa, Alejandro's Man Spa For Masculine Manly Men, usually doesn't do women, but since I'm one of his best customers he makes an exception.

We arrive at Alejandro's Man Spa for Masculine Manly Men in no time and immediately land in exfoliation bliss. Alejandro is working on me while his man-assistant Renaldo is working on my female self. I can't believe my female self and I are doing a his-and-hers facial and massage so soon. Are we moving too fast? I think I love her. Does she feel the same way about me? I've only ever felt this way about myself, but someone else - that's new territory. These thoughts completely consume me during the facial and massage session. Suddenly, Alejandro and his man assistant tells me, "We are done. We'll leave you alone now Rocket Man..." They both leave the room giggling.

Rocket Man? What do they mean?

It was at this moment that I realized that I was so aroused by the fact that I am doing a his-and-her facial and massage with Fake EL that my "number-one" peer out through all the towels covering my Adonis body - Alejandro and Renaldo saw it. No wonder why they left us alone. This is so embarrassing, They'll think I'm such a slut. Dear god I hope they don't they tell Donny about this. Thank god Fake EL has cucumbers over her eyes so she hasn't seen my "number-one" display itself in its full glory. I need to calm "it" down so I focus all my thoughts on Hans and in no time "it" shrivels back into hibernation.

Not too long afterwards Fake EL gets up and looks at me. She has an ear-to-ear smile on her face. I asked her, "Why so cheery?" She doesn't say anything to me. She pulls out her compact and hands it to me. I tell her, "There's no way I'm looking at myself with all the scabby crap on my face", but she insists so I reluctantly do it and to my surprise....

My face has completely healed! WOO HOO!

Apparently the citrus scrub that Alejandro did during my facial completely cleaned off all the flaky scabs. My face is as BEAUTIFUL and as PERFECT as it was before Fake RL mangled it in a brawl. I burst into tears of happiness. Fake EL's smile becomes a laugh. We hug. We lock lips. Our first kiss - there couldn't be a more appropriate moment.

I've so in love with myself right now that my "number-one" shoots out again from the towels wrap around my body. Rocket Man has returned. It's embarrassing, but I don't care - I hope everyone reads this entry of my secret diary - it's been so long since I've admired myself. I can't believe how much I miss myself.

I'm so beautiful.
I'm so handsome.
I'm so hot.

I'm so giddy that I start dancing just like the baby in this video:

I can't stop this feelin' deep inside of me.
Self, I just don't realize what I do to me.

When I hold me in my arms so tight,
I let me know everything's alright.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm...hooked on a feelin',
High on believin' that I'm in love with meeeeeee.

Lips are sweet as candy, the taste stays on my mind.
Self, I keep me thirsty for another cup of wine!

I got it bad for me, self, but I don't need a cure.
I'll just stay a addicted and hope I can endure!

All the good love, when we're all alone.
Keep it up, self, yeah I turn me on.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm...hooked on a feelin',
High on believin' that I'm in love with meeeeeee.

All the good love, when I'm all alone,
Keep it up, self, yeah I turn me on.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm...hooked on a feelin',
I'm high on believin' that I'm in love with meeeeeee.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


What's going on here? I suddenly have the ability to appreciate and tackle things that I normally wouldn't touch with a ten feet pole. All because I no longer have this intense urge to look at myself - my face is all scarred up from a recent brawl with the DBA (Database Administrator) team and looking in the mirror makes me burst into tears.

I'm really confused.

Yesterday I had dinner with Donny and Fake JZ and discovered things about the both of them that I would have never noticed if I still had my pretty picture-perfect face.

I learned that Donny is a closet comedian. If you ask me, he really should just come out of the closet and let people know who he really is. I'd be the first one by his side. I'd support him 100%. I also learned that Fake JZ is really not as annoying as I thought she was. All along I thought she was this super smart workaholic ice queen. Well, she is a super smart workaholic, but definitely not an ice queen. She's really cheerful and funny. For the first time in my life, I can truly say I enjoy her company.

It gets weirder...

I'm actually doing things described in my job description. I'm no longer just the pretty face of software development. I can do real work too. I'm starting to find problems in our code and I'm taking the initiative to fix them. Just the other day I started to see quality issues with our code. I realized that it can be fixed by incorporating Spring Framework into our technology stack.

You see Spring Framework leverages Inversion of Control to enforce OO best practices such as coding to interfaces instead of concrete implementations, not overusing use inheritance, and keeping code simple and clean so it's "unit-test friendly".

Ah Brrro, I can't believe I just wrote that.

I bet people not in the software industry haven't the slightest idea what I just said. Well, I too would've started drooling if somebody said that to me before my face was mangled by Fake RL, but it now makes complete sense. In fact, I gave a presentation about Spring Framework to the entire software development team and it was received with applauses and standing ovations.

It gets even better, King Jorge was completely sold by the presentation and told me my top priority is incorporating Spring Framework into our current technology stack.

Ah Brrro, I'm starting to sound like my man-assistant, Hans. And another thing, I heard people say his name is not really Hans. Sounds fishy to me, but I'll eventually get to the bottom of it.

This is by far the strangest entry in my secret diaries. It's so out of character for me. If this ever becomes public, I swear to the reader that I'm not smoking anything as I'm writing this. No mind expanding drugs. No nothing. Cross my heart.

Monday, November 19, 2007

The Healing Process - Dinner with Donny and Fake JZ (Part Two)

(continued from: The Healing Process - Getting In Touch With My Female Self (Part One))

Fake JZ, Fake DM, and myself are have dinner together to blow off some steam from all the events that happened in the past few days. Honestly, anything to get my mind off my formerly beautiful and now deformed face is fine with me so I'm more than happy to be having dinner with them. If I didn't have a baboon's ass for a face, I wouldn't be paying any attention to anyone except for myself, but that's not the case so I actually begin to notice a lot of things about Fake DM and Fake JZ.

Donny is actually a really funny guy. He likes to make a lot of jokes. The best part is when he laughs. His laughter will go three octaves higher than his normal man-defined voice. His man-defined face will scrunch up like a cute little raisin and he's man-defined pearly whites will go on full display. He's so cute when he does this. I don't know why, but I just want to smile when his cute little face scrunches up like that. Sometimes I just want to vigorously rub his man-defined beard with both my hands. In fact, I think he would appreciate me doing that because it will promote blood circulation around the cheek area warding off wrinkles. I'll do this the next time I'm alone with him. I don't want to do it front of Fake JZ because everyone will feel awkward.

Speaking of Fake JZ, I noticed that she has two types of laugh: A polite laugh and a real laugh. The polite laugh is always done unconsciously. It's like a reflex. It sounds very lazy. She'll say something like, "Fake JS you better do as I say or I'm gonna tell King Jorge you leave work early everyday, heh heh heh." Most people just end their sentences with a normal "period", but Fake JZ's periods are a lazy "heh heh heh". It actually doesn't mean that she thinks anything is be honest, I actually don't know what it means when she does it. I don't even know why she does it. It's just like I don't know why I whip out my compact to look at myself these days even though I look worse than Hans. I know why I did it before I got beaten up - I was Adonis reincarnated - but it just doesn't make any sense now, but anyways I digress. Fake JZ's real laugh is quite a thing to behold. Her face scrunches up like a prune. Her face turns red. Her mouth opens up like the parting of the Red Sea. Tears come gushing out of her eyes and down her face like a tropical storm in the Amazon Rainforest. If seeing that doesn't cheer you up, you might have some serious depression issues.

But there is a warning label to Fake JZ's real laugh. If she's got anything in her mouth when she breaks out one of her real laugh, duck or get out of the way. The things in her mouth will shoot out like bullets in a machine gun. This actually happened during our dinner. Fake JZ just put a mint in her mouth and Donny made a really funny joke that caused everyone to burst into uncontrollably laughter. Fake JZ's mint shot out of her mouth and smacked me right on my forehead causing me to fall backwards. Thank god Donny caught my fall otherwise I would have cracked my skull on the concrete restaurant floor. When Donny caught my fall, he was still laughing, but we caught each other's gaze and I realized we were both "in get" again. His scrunched up little raisin face is so cute I just want to rub his man-defined beard, but I resist because we are not alone.

After Donny puts me back on my feet, I said to him, "Ah Brrro, thanks for the save." and he replied, "Brrro, you're welcome." as we both awkwardly look away from each other pretending nothing happened. This moment caused me to look up and I saw a hole in the ceiling. Apparently Fake JZ's mint ricocheted off my forehead and through the ceiling. Ah Brrro, that's wicked! The only reason why the mint didn't go through my skull was because the scar tissue made the skin on my face tougher than normal. Fake JZ almost killed me, but my baboon ass face saved my life. You have been warned about Fake JZ's real laugh.

Anyways, the fact that I have no real motivation to admire myself has allowed me to get to know my co-workers a lot better. Fake JZ and Donny are real cool. Donny's more than just a pretty face and I don't mind Fake JZ constantly interrupt me about work when I'm looking into my compact. I guess it's not so bad being ugly - Oh my god I can't believe I just wrote that. Thank god this is a secret diary that no one will ever read.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

The Healing Process - Getting In Touch With My Female Self (Part One)

For the first time in my life, I prefer not to be in front of a mirror worshipping myself because frankly I cannot tell the difference between a baboon's ass and my face right now. What is most upsetting to me is this is really all King Jorge's fault. He's the one that forced me to do real work which got me into the following unfortunate predicaments that will forever taint my reputation as a handsomely heterosexual man:
I was perfectly happy before King Jorge became my boss because no one ever expected me to do anything so I could spend at least 8 hours a day practicing my manly handsome hotness in front of some highly reflective surfaces. Before King Jorge was my boss I was the picture perfect ideal of pure hotness. I used to be sooo hot, but now I cannot even look at myself in the mirror without bursting into tears.

I really hate King Jorge.

Luckily for me I met Fake EL. Thank god for her. She has truly made these dog days bearable. We really kicked it off the first time we met because she looks exactly like me, except she's a girl. She's pure feminine sexy sultriness just like I used to be pure manly handsome hotness. She is my female self.

She recently gave me a couple pictures of herself. I printed multiple copies of them and used them to cover all mirrors and highly reflective surfaces in my office and home. I've even covered the mirror in my compact with her picture so I don't have to look at my baboon ass of a face when I use my compact. The Ugly Betties of the world maybe thinking, "Fake JS, why don't you just forgo carrying around the compact?" Well Ugly Betty, you're retarded. You don't understand the curse of being this hot. Whipping out a compact to look at myself is an unconscious reflex. I have been doing since before I could read. I have no control over these things. I cannot not do it, you know what I mean? DUH! It's as fundamental as breathing! So the easiest thing to do is cover the mirror in my compact with my female self until my face has completely healed.

Makes sense to me.

Oh well, Ugly Betty's opinions do not matter to me because they will become irrelevant when my face is completely healed so that it can rejoin the rest of my amazing Adonis features to once again grace all mirrors and highly reflective surfaces in full glory. The thought of that day becoming reality just makes me love myself even more, but right now I'm feeling lonely because I miss my female self so I decided to give her a call to setup a date with her. We settled on shopping together later this week for some moisturizers and facial masks, but unfortunately her sister, Fake RL, was with her when I called. The good thing was the date was confirmed, but the bad thing was Fake RL grabbed the phone from Fake EL and threatened to kill me if I continue to court my female self. Fake RL just wouldn't stop cussing at me.

This situation is awfully awkward. The problem is I've got the hots for my female self, but her sister hates my guts. Fake RL beat the crap of me and I cannot do anything about it. I would really love to get her back, but I have to suck it up and take it. I would really love to tell Fake RL that she's a world class b*tch, but I can't. I would really love to pull out her hair, but I can't. I would really love to beat her at a cat fight, but I can't. I can't because if I do anything to Fake RL, I would lose Fake EL, my female self, my own personal Mona Lisa.

So I just sit there and let Fake RL cuss me out for about an hour until she decides to hang up on me. God this is so embarrassing. Thank god this is a secret diary that no one will ever read.

(to be continued)

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

King Jorge: Stored Procedures and Hibernate Can Coexist

(continued from: King Jorge: J-Tard Explained)

I wake up and I'm groggy. I can't quite remember what happened. Apparently I passed out some time during the brawl that occurred between "J-tards" and DBAs (Database Administrators). My face is sore. I'm surrounded by Fake DM, Fake JZ, Hans, and King Jorge. They are all covered in scrapes and cuts from head to toe. My poor Donny has a black eye. Fake JZ has a few missing patches of hair. King Jorge has a fat lip. Hans is still ugly. And yet they seem to be concerned about me. I ask for my compact and I hear Fake JZ murmur, "Umm, you broke the only one we had left." My grogginess begins to wither. My face is very sore. I'm starting to feel uneasy. I ask Donny for his compact. He looks away and tells me, "Sorry Fake JS, I don't have one on me right now." I know something is wrong. Donny always has a compact on him. I'm fully awake now. My face is sore beyond belief. I look at King Jorge, but before I can say anything he chimes in, "Look, Fake JS, we need to explain the situation to you..." God, my face hurts so bad it's numb. Just as I demand to know what's going on, I remember everything that happened during the brawl...

Fake RL (the female DBA) and Fake Jeff (my arch nemesis) beat my face silly and I sacrificed my beauty to get right with Hans and Fake JZ.

Oh my god! I remember everything! MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! I demand a mirror from everyone and anyone. They all look away unable to say anything to me.

I think I hear Donny sob.

Suddenly I hear a voice from a distance, "Fake JS you're such a whining annoying J-Tard! Do you think you are the only one injured?! You gave me a concussion you f***in a**hole!"

It's Fake RL!

She chucks a compact at me and screams, "Here's a compact! Now shut the f*** up! Your voice is giving me a headache!"

I retaliate, "You broke my nose Fake RL! You ruined a perfect face you snotty little b***h and all you can do is think about is yourself! Did you ever think about my face?! You obviously have no understanding of true beauty!"

Fake RL laughs, "True beauty?! Look at yourself! You look worst than Hans!"

Donny gasps. Fake JZ covers her face. King Jorge looks away. Hans looks dejected.

Suddenly, the lady attending to Fake RL walks toward me to diffuse the tension. Oh my god, she's beautiful. She's like the female version of me! I can't stop looking at her just like I can't stop looking at myself on highly reflective surfaces. She takes the compact from my hand and calmly says to me, "Hi my name is Fake EL, when you are done using my compact please return it to me." She opens it up and places it in my hand. I can't stop staring at her. I stutter, "Hi Fake EL, I'm Fake JS..." I turn away from her and stare into the compact...


My face is swollen like an inflated blowfish! My nose is broken and bloodied. I cannot tell where my lips end and my cheeks begin. I burst into tears because I'm uglier than Hans! I go into full tilt panic. I grab King Jorge by the collar of his shirt and exclaim, "King Jorge, give me a raise. I'll write code. I'll do anything. I need the money for plastic surgery! I cannot live like this! I cannot be ugly! I need to look at myself, but I cannot bear looking at myself! I cannot deal with this contradiction! I cannot see myself like this. Dear god! What am I gonna do?!"

Everyone is shaking their heads.

Fake EL sits down next to me and calms me down. She takes the compact away from me and says, "Looks aren't everything. It's what inside that counts Fake JS." I laugh at that statement, but when I look at her the thought of my badly deformed face fades into oblivion. I feel so serene when I see her, it's almost the same as looking into a mirror. Fake EL is so beautiful I cannot stop staring at her. I say to her, "You are so beautiful. When I look at you I forget that I look worst than Hans."

She giggles and says, "Thank you. Your face will eventually heal." and I reply, "In the meantime, can stare upon your beautiful face until my face heals?"

Fake RL screams, "You a**hole! Fake EL is my sister! Stop hitting on her or I'm gonna kill you! The last thing I want is a J-Tard for a relative!"

Fake EL smiles at me. I smile back at her. I look at her and the feeling of euphoria eclipses every bone in my body. It's love at first sight. I know it because I feel the same way when I see myself in a mirror. Thank god for Fake EL, I wouldn't be able to survive through this trauma without her.

It's interesting how things work. An amazing turn of embarrassing events has left me at a new low in life - I was beaten up by a girl, my arch nemesis got the best of me, and I'm uglier than Hans. But through these events, I was able to make the acquaintance of Fake EL - someone almost as hot as me.

Her beauty will allow me to make it through these ugly-duckling days of mine. I can stare at her until I'm beautiful enough again to view myself in the mirror.

I suddenly hear King Jorge break out into yet another speech, "Great! Now that Fake JS is ok, we need to move forward and learn to coexist with the DBAs. I just got out of a meeting and learned that Stored Procedures and Hibernate can live happily together..."

Dear god, King Jorge is talking about work again. It's at this point that his words blur to blah blah blah because I'm busy staring at Fake EL. She's my own personal Mona Lisa. For the first time in my life I'm ok with being ugly because I have Fake EL's beauty. I can't believe I just said that. Of course I would never admit this to anyone - I'll only writing this down because this is secret diary no one will ever read.

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake Jeff's chronicle of this event]

Friday, November 2, 2007

King Jorge: J-Tard Explained

(continued from: King Jorge: The Man Crush Triangle)

I'm in Fake DM's office trying to explain to him why Fake Jeff has it out for me, but of course I'm not doing a good job of it since I really don't understand why Fake Jeff is pissed about me creating a "connection leak". Donny didn't know what a "connection leak" is either, so he asked that I retrace everything that happened today so we can figure it out together. I didn't bother telling him how many times I used my compact today because that's something obvious for people like us, but then I told him about how King Jorge forced me to write a program for Bobby H - Donny was surprised by this and asked, "Brrro, you wrote code?"

I was equally surprised that I was actually able to create a program the works. He asked if I "connected to a database" and I'm thinking what is a "database", so I ask Donny, "Ah Brrro, what is a database? Is it like an army base except it's a base for data thingies?" Donny shrugs and responses, "I don't know either, but I know it's something Fake Jeff cares a lot about because he constantly talks about it on his blog." This is like the blind leading the blind. We eventually give up, but we think it's best to play it safe and shutdown the program I wrote to cover my tracks.

Just as we turn off my program, King Jorge quietly walks into Donny's office and closes the door. He looks at the both of us and whispers, "If Ricky C comes in looking for me, tell him I'm not here. I'm going to hide under the desk." Sure enough Ricky C enters Fake DM's office and asks, "Hola Java minions. Have you seen Senor Jorge?" We both shake our heads and say "no" and Ricky C smiles and says, "If you see Senor Jorge, please tell him I am looking for him." We both nod and Ricky C closes the office door and leaves.

King Jorge peeks out from under the desk and whispers, "Is he gone?" We both nod and wonder what's going on. King Jorge comes out from under the desk, sits down on a stair, and proceeds with his story, "I'm so embarrassed by this - Ricky C totally has the hots for me. I'm trying to do everything to avoid him because I don't think Bobby H likes it. Bobby H and I were in his office having a meeting and Ricky C barges in to gives me another box of chocolate and then I noticed Bobby facial expression turn sour. I mean he looks so happy when talking with me until Ricky C interrupted. I felt so awkward that I feigned a stomachache to get out of the meeting. I think I saw Ricky C head to the bathroom to find me. That's the last place I want to be alone with him - I'm doomed if he pulls a Larry Craig. Anyways, thanks for covering my tracks. By the way guys, did you see Bobby H's hair today..."

I believe it is at this point that Donny and I tuned out King Jorge because we whipped out our compacts to confirm how desirable we are to the ladies. I just remember hearing blah blah blah Bobby H's hair this, blah blah blah, Bobby H's hair that. I think this goes on for hours and I lovin' it because I'm admiring myself, but all good things must come to an end; King Jorge's phone rings - It's Max Spazter (Fake Jeff's boss). The conversation is quick and to the point. King Jorge tell us that Max Spazter wants to have a meeting between us and the DBAs (Database Administrators) so we peek out the door to check if the coast is clear - No Fake Jeff or Ricky C in sight. We make our way to the meeting room. We grab as many Java developers as we can find to join us.

When we enter the room, I see Max Spazter with all his DBAs waiting for us. I see Fake Jeff too! He looks at me and motions two fingers toward his eyes and then one finger towards me telling me he's watching me ala Robert DeNiro in Meet The Parents. He then points at the whiteboard - I see a circle labeled "Fake Jeff's Circle of Trust". I notice that a dot labeled Fake JS is outside that circle. Oh god I can see this getting ugly really quick. Max Spazter says to King Jorge, "Fake JS is writing crappy Java code that's causing a connection leak! This is just one example of all the crappy code your people write." King Jorge asks me to confirm Spazter's accusation. Thank god Donny and I turned off the program so I proceed to lie, "There's no connection leak!" I dare not look at Fake Jeff, but I know his face is turning red. Spazter asks Fake Jeff to pull up his database monitoring tools to show King Jorge. He won't find a thing. Fake Jeff screams, "The J-Tard turned off his program to cover his tracks." He points at me, "I'm gonna get you J-Tard!" King Jorge interjects, "Hold on Fake Jeff, don't make false accusations because you have a vendetta against us." Spazter interjects, "Oh yeah! Well you and all your reports are J-Tards!" King Jorge questions Spazter, "What is J-Tard?" Spazter laughs and says, "You don't know?! You're an idiot! J-Tard is an abbreviated form of Frigtard Java Developers!" King Jorge does not take well to the insult and grabs Spazter by the neck, "What did you call me Spazter?!" Spazter grabs King Jorge by the neck and says, "J-Tard!"

King Jorge looks at us and cries, "DOWN WITH STORED-PROCEDURES!"

Max Spazter looks at his DBAs and cries, "IN THE NAME OF LARRY, DESTROY ALL J-TARDS!"

Everyone's looking at each other unsure of what to do. I look at Donny and see this horrific look on his face. I turn to see what he sees; Fake Jeff lunging towards me. I hear Donny scream. I scream as well and immediately duck to protect my face. Fake Jeff flies over me and tackles Hans instead. Suddenly the whole room breaks into full brawl. I look around and I see Java developers and DBAs attacking each other! King Jorge and Max Spazter are trying to strangle each other. I see Hans punch Fake Jeff while another DBA uses a chair to hit Hans from behind. I see Fake JZ put her heel into a DBA's gut while another DBA pulls Fake JZ down by her hair. I can't see Donny though I hear him screaming. I'm screaming too. I get up only to see Fake Jeff's fist. He punches me in the face! - NOT THE FACE! - I'm dizzy. I lose my bearings. All I can hear is the chaos of fighting and screaming around me. Suddenly Fake RL, a female DBA, jump-kicks me in the face. I immediately drop to the floor in pain. She picks me up and slams me down on the meeting table. I try to grab her hair, but she headbutts me - NOT THE FACE! - I think my nose is broken! I'm disoriented again. She throws me off the table and I land face-first on the floor. Donny tackles Fake RL just as she was about to put her finishing move on me. Donny you're my hero! I stumble onto to my feet. I'm still disoriented. I see Fake JZ being over powered by her opponent. It's my chance to patch things up with her. I take out my compact and crack it over her opponent's head. A look of shock covers Fake JZ's face, but before I can say anything Fake Jeff punches me in the face again - NOT THE FACE! - I drop to the floor. Fake JZ screams "HI YA!" and karate-chops Fake Jeff in the neck. She picks me up off the ground. I try to apologize, but she doesn't hear me. She points at Hans and says something to me - I can't hear what she is saying because my ears are ringing from all the punches to my face, but I can see that Hans is in trouble. Another chance for me to make things right, but I have no more strength. I cannot move. I cannot feel anything so I ask Fake JZ to fling me towards Hans's attacker. She does it without hesitation. I fly across the room and tackle Han's attacker. It's Fake RL! I knocked her out cold. I'm going to pass out, but Hans picks me up and I think I hear him say thank you. Suddenly I hear the meeting room door swing open and I hear someone exclaimed, "What is going on here?!" It's Bobby H's voice.

The room falls silent.

I realized I finally know the meaning of J-Tard.

Everything goes dark. I pass out.

(to be continued: King Jorge: Store Procedures and Hibernate Can Coexist)

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake Jeff's chronicle of this event]

Thursday, November 1, 2007

King Jorge: The Man Crush Triangle

(continued from King Jorge: The JVM Problem is Fixed and The King Jorge Era is Established)

This has not been a pleasant few days and it doesn't help that it is Halloween - a day where beautiful people like myself have to wear a mask. How stupid is that? I have to put on a mask so that no one can gaze upon my face? That's wrong! Don't get me wrong, ugly folks like Hans should wear a mask. In fact, it should be Halloween everyday for them, but for people like me - why would I deprive the masses of such immaculate perfection? Anyways, that's the least of my problems right now because the whole ordeal with Fake Jeff locking me in the storage cabinet
has really strained relationships between everyone. For starters, Fake Jeff used to upset me, but now I plain hate him. What he did to me was sooo not cool. The cabinet was very dark. I was unable to use my compact to admire myself for way too long and the way I came out of the cabinet was very embarrassing. Because of those events, Fake JZ refuses to talk to me. I realize I did cross the line with her, but Fake Jeff forced my hand. Furthermore, Fake DM is pissed off at Fake JZ. I'm not really sure why because he doesn't want to talk about. Lastly, Hans is still being a self-absorbed prissy pants by holding a grudge against me for breaking his nose. You know, Hans is such a whiner. He's so not me i.e. he's sooo not hot. He loses nothing from a broken nose. Hans, you were ugly even before I broke your nose. Ugly is ugly so DROP IT! If you broke my nose, that would be a totally different story 'cause I'm hot. So if you're me you have the right to be pissed, but you're not so get over it!

Anyways, all this thinking has really taken me away from me so I decided to whip out my new compact and my new nose-hair trimmer to start making my perfectly-beautiful self even more perfectly beautiful. God, every time I see myself in the mirror I'm so blown away by how gorgeous I am. Just as I start trimming away King Jorge barges into my office. He tells me he needs me to write some code for him. I'm thinking, "I don't know how to write code", but I play along because I need this job. It costs a lot to keep myself so beautiful.

He tells me he just got out of a meeting with Bobby H (aka The Hair). He is King Jorge's boss. King Jorge promised him a whole bunch of new features and I am going to write it for him. Damn, I won't have time to finishing trimming my nostril hairs. The funny thing is our discussion lasted for almost an hour, but King Jorge mostly talked about The Hair's hair: how thick it is, how smooth it is, how fluffy it is, how soft it is - how beautiful it is. I think it is safe to assume that King Jorge has a big-time Man Crush on The Hair. It gets more complicated. King Jorge also tells me about Ricky C (Bobby H's boss). Evidently Ricky C has a Man Crush on King Jorge, at least that's what I'm told. King Jorge tells me how he and Ricky C met at a meeting and ever since then Ricky C has been coming on to him. Ricky C gave him a box of chocolate - a pink heart-shaped box of chocolate - and Ricky C is constantly barging into meetings just to say "hi" to King Jorge.

So here's the deal, King Jorge has a man-crush on The Hair, Ricky C has man-crush on King Jorge, and who knows what is going on between The Hair and Ricky C since they been "working together" for so many years.

It's a Man Crush Triangle! King Jorge is the new bacon between the Ricky C and Bobby H sandwich!

I'm so jealous every time I see King Jorge walk into The Hair's office and close the door behind him. I'm so jealous every time Ricky C winks at King Jorge. Why does he get all this attention? I'm hotter than King Jorge, why doesn't the The Hair let me stroke his hair from time to time and why doesn't Ricky C give me a heart-shaped box of chocolate. I hate King Jorge, but then I catch a reflection of myself on a compact I left on my desk and the world is perfect again. Thank god I'm so gorgeous otherwise my life would be so bitter. As usual, I lose track of what King Jorge is saying because I'm busy admiring myself until he stands up to leave and tells me he needs everything done by tomorrow. He promises The Hair the world just because he wants to run his hand through The Hair's hair and handsome me has to grab my ankles and deal with it.

I hate King Jorge.

After he leaves my office, I immediately begin slaving away on my computer. God I really suck and this "writing code" thing. This is embarrassing since writing code is supposed to be my job. After about eights hours I got my ten lines of code to compile into a program. I begin to execute my program and I don't see any errors. OH MY GOD, I WROTE A PROGRAM THAT ACTUALLY EXECUTES PROPERLY! Maybe I can be more than just a pretty face. I'm so happy that I start dancing with my compact like Fred Astaire did with Ginger Rogers until Fake Jeff barges into my office and accuses me of doing something to his database. I don't understand what he's saying so I will just quote it verbatim:

"You %#@#$ tardest J-Tard of them all! You $%@# created a $%# connection leak on my beloved database! Do you even know how to write code?!"

Fake Jeff is such a buzzkill. Did I mention I hate him? Of course I have no idea what he just said because I'm such a fraud so I panic and blurt out something that sounds like something Hans or Fake JZ would say,

"Fake Jeff, did you consider the Agile ESB that delivers the SOA of the Test Driven Database Oracle that serialize SCRUM packets over the EJB into JVM on the ByteCode MBean of RMI Servlet Session SSH HTTP JAXB JMS Tibco DB2 IBM .NET Microsoft Google JBoss Spring Winter Autumn Summer Apple and Oranges? Did you consider that huh? huh? huh? and by the way, you suck! I hate you."

Fake Jeff just stares at me. Maybe I stumped him. I think what I said actually made sense. YES! I am more than a pretty face. I can soo do this for a living. Just as I begin to start dancing with my compact again Fake Jeff interrupts, "You're not making sense! You're completely clueless you J-Tard! You better turn off your $%#$ program before I lock you up again!"

Ok, maybe I'm not cut out for this coding thing. I've been exposed. There only one thing left to do - RUN.

I try to escape out of my office, but Fake Jeff blocks off the exit. I throw my nose-hair trimmer at him. He slaps it away and chases me around my desk a few times. He lunges towards me to get a hold of me, but I was able to escape his grip and race out of the room. I continue running down the office hallway like a bat out of hell and make my way into Fake DM's office. I have no where else to go because everyone except Donny is pissed at me. Donny's got this superbly surprised look on his face that's asking me "what the hell's going on now?" I run under his desk to hide there. I whisper through my heavy breathing, "Brrro, I need your help, If Fake Jeff comes asking where I am, tell him you haven't see me!" He nods. Not too longer after I said that I hear Fake Jeff open the door and ask Donny, "J-Tard, seen Fake JS?!" Donny replies, "No I haven't." Fake Jeff replies, "If you see that J-Tard, tell him he's outside my circle of trust and I'M GOING BEAT HIM BLOODY!" The door slams shut. Donny looks down at me and asks, "What's going on? What did you get me into now?"

I'm so sorry Donny, you're the only friend I have left and now I've involved you in something so ludicrous that I'm only recording this because this is a secret diary that no one will ever read.

(to be continued: King Jorge: J-Tard Explained)

Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake Jeff's chronicle of this event]

Saturday, October 27, 2007

King Jorge: The JVM Problem is Fixed and The King Jorge Era is Established

(continued from King Jorge: Fix The JVM Problem)

I'm still stuck in the storage cabinet. I've lost track of time. I don't know how long I've been imprisoned by Fake Jeff. It's completely dark. I cannot see myself and that is making me very weak and sick - and I really really need to pee. I'm leaning on the locked cabinet doors. It's the only thing holding me up. Fake Jeff's periodic laughter is followed by monotonous keyboard typing sounds.

This is a horrible nightmare. Apparently no one has read my secret diary because I'm still imprisoned in a storage cabinet. I feel quite ambivalent about this - It sucks that no one has read my secret diary because I really want to be rescued, but at the same time thank god this is a secret diary - this is quite an embarrassing predicament because I'm still not sure why Fake Jeff did this to me.

Suddenly I hear the door to the room open. I hear King Jorge's voice, "Fake Jeff, have you seen Fake JS? The last time we saw him, he was with you." I try to tap on the cabinet doors, but I'm too weak to move. I try to call out to King Jorge, but I'm too weak to scream. Fake Jeff denies knowing my whereabouts. I really hate Fake Jeff right now.

I hear Fake DM say, "Fake JZ, try calling Fake JS. Maybe he still has his iPhone on him." King Jorge agrees, "That's a great idea. Do it Fake JZ!" I hear Hans chime in, "I can care less if he's dead!" I think Hans is still mad at me for breaking his nose.

My iPhone rings! I'm gonna be saved!

Fake Jeff laughs heartily, "You will never free him! I threw away the keys!"

I hate Fake Jeff.

Fake DM screams, "Fake JS! He's in the storage cabinet! I will save him!" I hear Fake JZ scream, "No! I will save him!" They both are arguing about who will save me. "I will save Fake JS!" "No! I will! "No you won't, I will!" It sounds like Fake DM and Fake JZ are fighting with each other. I am the center of attention and I'm loving this. Me! Me! Me! Me, Myself, and More Me!

I still hear Fake Jeff's laughter in the background.

King Jorge interjects, "Enough bickering! You, get Fake JS out of the cabinet! You, take out Fake Jeff! You, get on Fake Jeff's computer and fix the JVM Problem!"

I hear a cacophony of chaos going on outside the storage cabinet. I hear fighting. I hear keyboard typing. I hear screaming. I hear battle cries. It's a struggle of epic proportions! All for handsome me! Me! Me! Me! Me, Myself, and More Me! (Didn't I just say that? I think I did. Eh, doesn't matter. I'll say it again and again. I sooo love myself sometimes)

Hans exclaims, "Fix installed! The JVM Problem is no more! Data is flowing through our servers again!"

Fake Jeff utters a painful guttural cry that echoes throughout the office halls. This sound of defeat is followed by cheers of victory from all else in the room.

The room falls silent.

"We can't open the storage cabinet!"

Fake Jeff laughs, "You J-tards will never free your tardest J-Tard of them all."

I don't understand what he is saying. I hate him.

King Jorge commands, "Use the keyboard."


I hear the lock break to pieces. The cabinet door swings open. I'm blinded by the bright lights in the room. I'm too weak to stand on my own. I collapse to the floor. Somebody tenderly cradles me off the ground and into their arms. I cannot see a thing.

Is it Donny? It has to be Donny. Oh, Donny you're my hero!

Donny is cradling me in his arms and sobbing. His tears rain down on my face. This really pisses me off because the salt content of the tears will dry my skin. I will have to moisturize properly after this. Wait...Donny would know never to let this happen. This person is not Donny :(

I utter, "I can't see anything. I'm blind!"

The stranger cradling me replies in their tear-drenched voice, "You've been in the dark too long. Your sight will eventually come back and you will be able to admire yourself again."

I don't recognize the voice, "Who are you?"

The stranger clears their throat and says, "Some who cares for you."

It's Fake JZ!

I hear Fake Jeff throw up.

Hans screams, "You threw up on me you $%*@ !%^# piece of *&%! son of !@#*%"

Dude, this is sooo awkward. My manly handsome hotness has left her in a confused state of mind. She does not mean what she says and I think everyone heard this. I must fix this now. I use my last ounce of strength to lean towards her and whisper in her ears, "It will never work out with us. I'm too sexy for you."

That should break the spell.


Donny screams.

Fake JZ slapped me across the face and dropped me to the floor, "JERK! I HATE YOU, FAKE JS!"

Ok, that was uncalled for. That really hurts and even worse, it's gonna leave a mark. But I'm too weak to do anything about it now. I continue to lay motionless on the floor.

I think I hear Donny sobbing.

I still really really need to pee.

I utter one last request, "Compact...", I have no more strength to continue and just before I pass out I hear King Jorge clasps his hand to his face, "God, this is what I have to work with."

(to be continued: King Jorge: The Man Crush Triangle)

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake Jeff's chronicle of this event and Click here to see Fake DM's chronicle of this event

Friday, October 26, 2007

King Jorge: Fix The JVM Problem

(continued from King Jorge: The New Boss)

I'm sitting in my office admiring at myself. I'm really happy, but King Jorge barges into my office and tells me I need to work with Fake Jeff on a problem that's crashing our JVM (Java Virtual Machine). Why can't he just find someone else to do this? I'm busy admiring myself right now.

King Jorge is so demanding, but I can't say no. I need this job. I have a lot of expenses to keep myself looking this beautiful. So I tell him, "No problemo. What's involved?" He starts explaining the problem to me, but I catch a glimpse of my reflection in my monitor and his words begin to blur to blah blah blah. After a while he asks me, "You know what you need to do, right?" Of course I wasn't listening, "Uh rrright, I know what to do."

So I meet with Fake Jeff and we are both sitting in front of the computer. He's saying a lot of high IQ stuff which sound like gibberish to me. I have no idea what I need to do, but that's ok because there are plenty of high reflective surfaces around me. I can see myself everywhere. Dude, I'm so hot. I look left, I see myself. I look right, I see myself. I'm everywhere. I'm so on cloud nine. I practice smiling. Yeah, I'm sooo sexy. Yeah, chicks totally dig it when I smile. I do this for about two to three hours, until I get interrupted by a phone call from Fake JZ, "Hey it's Fake JZ. King Jorge wants to know the status of the JVM problem. Got an update?"

I'm initially pretty upset that Fake JZ has once again interrupt me while I'm admiring myself until I remember that I need this job to keep up my good looks. I better get cracking on whatever King Jorge wanted me to do. I angle away from Fake Jeff because I'm too embarrassed to let him know I'm totally clueless and whisper into my iPhone, "Um, yeah Fake JZ, what did King Jorge want me to do again?" Silence. "Um, Fake JZ, I forgot what he told me to do." Fake JZ response, "Fake JS, you weren't paying attention when King Jorge was talking to you, weren't you?!" I'm so busted. I need this job, so I beg her not to tell King Jorge I was ignoring him again. I then proceed to ask her to tell me what I'm supposed to do.

Halfway through the explanation, I realize I'm too dumb to understand the words coming out of Fake JZ's mouth, but I know she's smart enough to fix the problem so I resort to the only thing I know. My hotness. I have to woo Fake JZ with my manly handsome hotness. I immediately send a dose of my purest manly handsome hotness from my phone to hers and she inevitably melts just all the ladies do. She will now do my bidding now, "Fake JZ help me fix the JVM problem." She immediately checks out the code and starts looking into the problem. Within minutes, she isolates the problem and starts explaining how to fix it. Of course I'm too dumb to understand what she's saying so I ask her to tell me exactly word for word what to tell Fake Jeff. Once I memorized the phrase she told me to repeat, I hang up and Look at Fake Jeff. I regurgitate the phrase, "Fake Jeff, look at lines 89 through 98 in the stored-procedure. It's an infinite loop. Fix that and we are good."

Fake Jeff's jaw drops to ground. What's going on? Did what I say not make sense? What does that look mean? He suddenly stands up and tries to punch me. I duck to protect my most treasured asset, my face. He grabs me and picks me up. I think he's going to hurt me so I scream, "No! Not the face! Not the face! I'm too beautiful! Anything but the face!" I continue screaming because I'm so afraid he's going to mess up my face. He shoves me into a storage cabinet and locks me inside. I hear him scream something at me, then dead silence. I gently tap on the door, "Hello? Fake Jeff? Are you there? Did I say something wrong?" No answer. I try again, "Hello? Anyone? Heeeelllo?"

It's dark and cold inside this storage cabinet. I can't see myself. I'm feeling scared and lonely. I call Fake JZ. Hopefully she can get me out of this predicament. She answers my call, but before I can even get in a word she screams at me, "FAKE JS! HOW COULD YOU USE YOUR MANLY HANDSOME HOTNESS ON ME?! HOW COULD YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME LIKE THAT?! I FEEL SO VULNERABLE RIGHT NOW! I'M SO CONFUSED! YOU JERK! I TRUSTED YOU!" She hangs up. Apparently my manly handsome hotness is beginning to wear off. I have no choice but to call Hans, "Hi Han this is Fake JS". Click. Dial tone. He hangs up on me. Apparently he's still mad at me for breaking his nose

This is bad. I'm writing this entry of my secret diary with my iPhone. Dear god I hope someone reads my secret diary so that they will know I'm locked inside a storage cabinet.

(to be continued: King Jorge: The JVM Problem is Fixed and The King Jorge Era is Established)

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake Jeff's chronicle of this event]

Thursday, October 25, 2007

King Jorge: The New Boss

King Jorge is my new boss. He talks a lot, but he seems to say the same thing over and over again. "Update XPlanner!", "Update your time!", "Update this!", "Update that!"

He also makes me go to these things called "Daily standups". He tells me I'm supposed to tell everyone 3 things in these meetings: What I did yesterday? What I plan to do today? What is impeding me from doing what I need to do?

He's so demanding.

I tell him I don't need to attend because I do the same thing everyday; admire myself and as long as I have a mirror nothing is impeding me from admiring myself. He just laughs at that statement like it's a joke (That was upsetting because I was serious) and tells me he wants me to focus on work related stuff.

Dude, I'm in trouble. Everyone will find out I'm a fraud. I never do any work. I spend all day either looking into mirrors or finding myself on highly reflective surfaces. I'll have to start making up stuff now. Maybe I can get Hans to write up some fake work for me. Oh wait, I broke his nose. He's still pissed at me so he definitely won't do anything for me. Damn, I have to make up my own lies. But before I can finish my thoughts, King Jorge brings up Hans. Oh my god, how did he know I was thinking about Hans?! Damn, why is someone as retarded as myself surrounded by so many smart people like Fake Jeff, Fake JZ and now him! It makes me feel even dumber. Thank god I'm still hot.

He tells me Hans had an issue with me. Dude! That Hans! He ran into me! Jerk! Now he's trying to get King Jorge to put the blame on me.

King Jorge asks me, "Why do you call him Hans? His name is not Hans. His name is...." Suddenly my reflexes take over and I pull my compact out of my pocket to look at myself and King Jorge's words blur to blah blah blah

Happy times. I touch up my hair. I wink at myself. Yeah, I'm so hot.

"Yeah yeah yeah King Jorge, whatever you say..."

He replies, "I'm glad you agree. So I need you to get on it, okay? Chop! Chop!"

Wait, what did he say? I wasn't paying attention. Thank god this is a secret diary that King Jorge will never read. He'll be upset if he ever knew I never pay attention to anything he says.

(to be continued: King Jorge: Fix The JVM Problem)

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake Jeff's chronicle of this event]

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Fake DM is back in town - Part Two

(continued from Fake DM is back in town - Part One)

Hans has disappeared. There's a trail of blood leading to cafeteria. Fake DM wanted to look into it furthermore, but I stopped him from doing so. I whipped out my new compact to look at my myself and I say to him, "Brrro, I'm so hot. Forget Hans, he'll live. We have more important matters to attend to. We have to go back to your office to get your other compact." Fake DM nods in agreement so we both head towards his office.

On our way there he asks, "Why do you keep calling him Hans?" I give him a puzzled look. He continues, "Brrro, that not his name. His name is..."

Donny gets interrupted by a co-worker, "Hey Fake DM, welcome back. Looking good!" Donny responses, "Hey good to be back. Thanks!" Another co-worker says to him, "Fake DM! Nice to have you back! Looks like the girlfriend is keeping you happy!" Yet another complement on how good looking he is. So I'm standing next to him while all these complements are being throw his way for next half hour or so.

This is ridiculous. It's so obvious that I'm so much hotter than him, but yet he's getting all the attention. What's wrong with everyone?! Dude, I'm hot! Look at me! Look at how hot I am! Why are they not complementing me?! Complement me! I should always be the center of attention. I'm upset. I put an end to it by exclaiming, "Everyone! That's enough! All hands meetings in five minutes!" Now everyone will be force to focus all their attention on me!

Fake DM looks at me and ask, "Brrro, what's up? All hands? What's going on?" I shoot back, "Brro, don't play coy with me! I know exactly what's going on!" I shove his compact into his hand, "I won't be needing this!" He gives me this innocent look, "Brro, what's up?" as I strut towards my office.

"Five minutes, all hands. I'll see you there."

(Five minutes later)

Everyone is gathering in the meeting room. I instinctively reach into my pocket to get my compact, but it's not there. I've lost count of how many times I've done this. To make matters worse, I cannot find a highly reflective surface anywhere in sight. I'm really beginning to miss myself. I begin twitching. Everyone's staring. I'm going through some major withdrawal here. I really need my compact. I need to look at myself. I think everyone's beginning to notice my twitches. I've never gone this long without looking at myself. My knees begin to tremble. Just before I completely lose it, I see Hans limp into the meeting room. I barely recognize him. He's got a huge blood-soaked bandage taped to his nose. It's grotesque. Everyone focuses on him. What's going on here? I'm losing everyone's attention to ugly duckling Hans. I'm supposed to be hot. Everyone look at me. My twitching gets worse. I'm feeling dizzy. I think I'm gonna faint. I feel my knees buckle. The room goes dark. I pass out.

The next thing I remember is my eyes opening to Fake JZ slapping my face and Fake DM holding his compact in front of me so I can see myself. I hear Fake JZ asking Fake DM, "How did you know this was going to work?" Fake DM replies, "I was afraid this was going to happen. He cannot go too long with looking at himself. If that ever happens he just shuts down."

I look like a complete retard and Fake DM is looking so handsomely heroic. I've got everyone's attention now, but for all the wrong reasons. This is flat out embarrassing. Luckily for me this is a secret diary that no will we ever read.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Fake DM is back in town - Part One

Fake DM is back in town. Everyone is happy to see him. I'd like to join in on the happiness too, but it's really awkward for me because of the incident with his girlfriend's name. We haven't spoken since. Every time we pass each other I just shield my face from him and run pass him as quickly as possible. This is really embarrassing for me. I'm only writing this down because no one will ever read this. Thank god this is a secret diary.

I just got out of a meeting. I see that Donny and I are going to cross paths again. Oh god, I'm consumed by an awkward feeling again. I shield my face from him and make a run for it. I'm galloping across the office space at full speed because I can't deal with the embarrassment anymore, but my idiot man-assistant, Hans, gets in my way. BAM! We have a head-on collision. Hans and I are sprawled on the ground. I'm in pain. I get up and scream at him, "Hans! What's your problem?! Why don't you watch where you're going?! You could've really damaged my beautiful face!" Hans screams back, "Dude! My problem?! My problem?! Why are you running around the office with your face completely covered?! You've been doing that all day! You're NUTS! AND STOP CALLING ME HANS!" Hans is being rude again. I need to put him in his place, "Hans, once again your negativity is not helping the situation!" Hans is speechless. He's acting like I did something wrong here. God, he's so self-centered sometimes. I'm getting angry, but then I catch a glimpse of my own reflection on a distant window and my anger begins to subside. Wait, I see blood on my face. There's blood on the floor. I'm angry again. MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! HANS RUINED MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! I'm panicking. I instinctively reach for my compact. It falls to pieces, broken to bits from the collision. HANS BROKE MY COMPACT!

Out of nowhere a compact opens up in front of my face. I see myself in the mirror and I become calm. It's Donny's compact. He's holding it out for me so that I can look at myself. I look towards him. He looks back at me, "Brrro, I think you need this more than I do. Keep it. I have another one in my office." He gently lays the compact down on my hand. This is a huge sacrifice, he won't be able to look at himself until he gets back to his desk - that's almost one full minute. When a handsome man gives another handsome man his compact, that shows true brrrotherhood. He's extending an olive branch. I immediately burst into tears, "Ah Brrro, I'm sorry for calling your girlfriend, Kristine with a "K"." Donny replies, "Brrro, I'm sorry for telling you it's Kristine with a "K". I misspell things often." I reply, "I do too. Don't worry about that, as long as you are beautiful that's all that matters. And your are beautiful." Donny replies, "You're beautiful too." I reply, "I know I am, but what are you?". Donny replies, "Beautiful and don't forget yourself." I reply, "Right back at you." So this complementing each other goes on for the next hour.

I finally wipe the blood off my face and I see that my face is perfect again. There's no scars. It's not my blood. This is weird. I say to Donny, "Brrro, it's not my blood. I think it's Hans' blood." We both look around and realize Hans is gone.

(to be continued: Fake DM is back in town - Part Two)

Monday, October 22, 2007

I am Captain Beautiful

I just got this picture of Fake JZ from the elevator's video camera just as the elevator lost power (See previous diary entry). Boy does she look scared. It's a good thing I rescued her. It's actually quite embarrassing if you ask me. Thank god for her this is a secret diary that no one will ever see.

Anyways, enough about her. Let's talk about me. Me, Me, Me!

Good thing my charming good looks were able to return power to the elevator and save the day. I am quite inspired by own handsome heroics so I decided to don a superhero alter ego to standup for truth, justice, and my good looks and combat all things evil aka ugly people. I will call myself Captain Beautiful.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Fake JS, You're My Hero!

Fake JZ is my co-worker. We work on a lot of stuff together. She's not a fraud like me because she's actually gets stuff done, but more importantly she not as hot as me. It's really difficult to be as hot as me so I wouldn't really fault her. I have a meeting with her today. I like having meetings with her because she lets me use my compact to look at myself any time. Everyday I ask her, "Fake JZ, who's the handsome-est of them all? It's me right?" and she always replies, "Yeah yeah yeah, whatever you say." I'm not really smart enough to understand what she's saying, but it does sound positive so I'm assuming she agrees with my statement. You see, smart people like Fake JZ and Fake Jeff speak English good. I'm not smart enough to speak English good. It's actually quite embarrassing. Thank god this is a secret diary.

Anyways, I have a meeting with Fake JZ today and it's on the second floor. I get there first. I'm in the meeting room all by myself waiting for her. I'm getting bored because there are no highly reflective surfaces in the room. I'm upset. Oh wait, my new iPhone. I pull it out of my pocket. It's so shiny and reflective. FSJ is so brilliant for making it such a shiny object. I love shiny objects. I love seeing my reflection on them. Ugly people upset me. I'm really beginning to admire myself and all of a sudden the room goes completely dark. There's a power outage. Damn, I can't see myself. I'm really upset.

My iPhone rings. The screen turns on and lights up the room. I can see myself again. Happy times. It stops ringing. The screen turns off and the room goes dark again. I can't see myself again. I'm upset. This keeps happening for the next few minutes. When I'm finally fed up with this, I check who's been calling. It's Fake JZ. 10 missed calls. I'm not happy with her. She should just keep ringing my iPhone so that I can continue to admire myself. She's being so self-centered. I call her back to confront her about this issue, but she rudely interrupts me, "Fake JS, there's no power in the building and I'm stuck in the elevator! I'm scared! Please help!" I reply, "Fake JZ, why is it always about you?! You're being self-centered right now. I'm upset that you keep turning off my iPhone light!" A brief pause. I think she finally realizes the errors of her way and responds, "Fake JS, I'm stuck in the elevator! Please help!"

I forgive her and I ask her I what I should do, but before she can answer her phone disconnects. It must have ran out of batteries from calling me so often. I quickly run to the elevator and push aside the facility crew trying to pry open the elevator door and tell them I'll take care of this. I give my hottest looking superhero poses in front of the elevator door. My mere hotness opened the elevator doors and brought power back to the building. Everyone thinks the electricity company fixed the power outage, but I disagree. Fake JZ jumps out of the elevator and exclaims, "Fake JS, you're my hero!"

A really handsome hero right?

Yeah yeah yeah, whatever you say.

Yeah, I'm so hot.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Christine or Kristine?

Fake DM recently skipped town and headed for New Mecca City. He found a beauty named Christine and they both went to New Mecca City together if you know what I mean. So he came back to town a few weeks back. In the middle of our debate about which anti-wrinkle cream is better, he abruptly changes the topic, "Brrro - FYI, It's not Christine with a "Ch". It's Kristine with a "K"". So I'm like, "Brro, you're retarded. How long you've been dating her?" He replies, "Brro, it's Kristine with a "K" Okay!" Okay. I got it. It's Kristine with a "K". So I immediately tell Hans, my man-assistant, to update my address book accordingly. It was very odd, but I didn't think much more of it because there are too many highly reflective surfaces around me.

Donny headed back to New Mecca City not too long after that conversation so my numerous correspondents with them via snail mail and email over the next few weeks are now labeled "To: Donny and Kristine".

Earlier today I gave Donny a call to tell him how great I look. When I realize I'm on speakerphone and I say, "Hi there Kristine with a "K"!". Donny tries to interject, "Brrro, I've been meaning to tell...". But Kristine growls at me over the phone, "Fake JS, you're quite the character?! It was funny the first time but now it's just annoying! My name is Christine with a "Ch" not Kristine with a "K". You're a complete J-TARD Fake JS!".

I'm like, Wuh? How did Christine know about the J-Tard thing? I tried to explain, but Donny interrupts me, "Brro, don't try to put it on me. She's my girl, I know her name. You took the joke too far."

Ah Brro...

I panicked and hung up on them. This was really bad. I didn't know what to do so I took the rest of the day off and I bought myself a full-length mirror from West Elm and admired myself with it to keep my mind off the conversation.

It's just going to be awkward when Donny comes back to town in a few weeks. This is just weird. Good thing this is secret diary that no one will ever read.

Monday, October 15, 2007

What is J-Tard?

Just finished another meeting with mister smarty pants, Fake Jeff. He continues to make me look like a fool, but at least I'm a really really good looking fool. I know this for a fact because I had my compact with me. I tried to threaten him with Mule ESB and SOA, but that did not go so well because I didn't know much more about those things other than they are words Hans, my man-assistant, told me to use. It was a complete disaster. Everything will be written in stored procedures, but at least I got my new monitor and my reflection on it looks immaculate.

Anyways, my new monitor is yesterday's new. I just viewed Zara's Winter 2008 Men's line. I can't stop thinking about how HOT I would look in one of those coats. The ladies will flock to me, "Oh Fake JS, I love your new Zara coat", "Oh Fake JS, can your new Zara coat keep the both of us warm?".

After I was done focusing on how beautiful I will look in a Zara winter coat I realized that Fake Jeff didn't refer to me as a "Frigtard Java Developers" for the whole meeting. That is rare. He calls me that all the time. Strange. He actually called me something different. What was it again? If I actually paid attention to the meeting instead of checking out myself using my compact it wouldn't be this difficult.

Was it "J-Tard"? Yeah that's what it was. J-Tard.

Dude, that's so not fair. Why is Fake Jeff calling me J-Tard? What does it mean? It took me almost 3 years to figure out what frigtard meant.

This is an embarrassing sequence of events. Thanks god this is a secret diary.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Fake DM is my best buddy

Here is a picture of Fake DM and me hanging out. He is my best buddy. His real name is actually Don Van Mac, but I usually refer to him as Donny. He's almost as beautiful as me. Of course I will never admit any of these things. I'm only writing this down because I'm too dumb to remember things and no one will ever see this. Thank god this is a secret diary.

We have spent endless hours talking about how handsome we are. We've shared tips and pointers on each other's wardrobes. We also had heated debates about which lotions and moisturizers are better. We two are a rare bred in the tech sector; Undeniable handsome and charming men who worry more about their looks than their code.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Hans is whining again

I get to work and I whip out my compact to check out my hair. It's perfect as usual. I don't even know why I bother. I guess I just like looking at myself.

Before I can even check my email, my man-assistant - I can't remember his name - I think it's Hans, barges into my office. He tells me I have a meeting with Fake Jeff to talk about a new design in five minutes. Fake Jeff is as smart as I'm handsome. Unfortunately, I spend so much time and energy focusing on my own beauty that I'm really too dumb to do anything useful, but nobody knows that. It's my big secret. Thank god this is a secret diary. Anyway, the point is Fake Jeff is so smart that whatever he says always seems to make sense. He always gets his way and that makes me look stupid. I don't want to look stupid even though I am.

I'm like totally caught off guard by this meeting. I'm so not prepared. So I do the right thing and blame it on my man-assistant, "Hans! Damn it! Why didn't you tell me about this meeting?! That's what a man-assistant like yourself is supposed to do!" Hans replies, "Um, Fake JS, my name is not Hans. I'm not your man-assistant. I told you numerous times not to call me that and I told you yesterday morning to prepare for this meeting. This is a big deal!". I reply, "Hans! Your negativity is not helping me".

He's speechless. He just stares a me. I think he's finally calming down. My mad people skillz must be working. He breathes a heavy sigh and starts explaining to me about how SOA and Mule ESB are the keys, but I catch a glimpse of my own reflection on my computer monitor and his words blur to blah blah blah as I start focusing on myself. Oh my god, I think I see a new wrinkle on my forehead! Oh wait, it's just crap on the monitor. That reminds me, I need to get more Borghese Active Mud for Face and Body. I haven't had a facial in a while. My face looks swollen. What the hell?! I'm having a complete breakdown here! I quickly whip out my compact to get a better view of myself. Relief! It's just the monitor distorting my reflection. I hate this computer monitor. All of a sudden Hans screams at me, "Are you listening to me?!". He's pissing me off. He's being rude so I tell him, "Looks Hans, your not helping me. Forget about the meeting. I need a new monitor. Get me a new monitor. This one's not working for me. I prefer a non-glossy screen. Thanks."