Saturday, November 24, 2007

Ah Brro, Throw Me A Friggin Bone!


Namaste. We need to talk.

I recently read from your secret diaries (My God I'm a sexy bitch) that you want the only thing I have; the I'm-so-sexy-that-I-need-to-check-myself-out-in-the-mirror routine.

Ah Brro, Throw Me A Friggin Bone!

You have the iPod. You have the iPhone. You have Apple faithfuls' unwavering love and trust. I don't think I need to mention anything from Pixar, do I? Everything you touch turns to gold. Everything geeky becomes a cultural phenomena after you've blessed it. You even have your own book now. Isn't that enough?

Don't be Google and try to take over everything. Leave the little guys like me out of your games 'cause my pretty face is the only thing I have. Please don't take away my only asset.

There it is. My plea, fake person to fake person.


Friday, November 23, 2007

Rocket Man

I go pick up my female self, Fake EL, for a date. Her sister, Fake RL, is there when I arrive. She once again threatens to kill me if I make any kind of move on my female self. I put up with it because my female self is really hot - she looks exactly like what I used to look like before I was beaten up by Fake RL, except she's a girl.

While we are driving to the shopping mall my female self says to me, "Your face, it looks like it's healing up pretty well. The scabby stuff is beginning to get really flaky and dry. You're well on your way to a full recovery." Her statement leaves me so confused. I'm happy that I'm going to make a full recovery and look hot again, but did she have to mention the scabby stuff on my face? I start to get all choked up, but I didn't want her to know that I'm so emotionally unstable so I tell her I'm crying because I'm choking on a grape stem stuck in my throat.

When we arrived, we head straight for Sephora and Bath and Body Works to buy moisturizers and mud masks. We share tips and advice on different anti-wrinkle and anti-aging creams. We are having so much fun that I almost forgot about my scabby flaky face.

After we finish shopping Fake EL asks, "Fake JS, do you want to do a facial together?" Oh my god, my female clone wants to exfoliate with me. This is the definitive next-step in our relationship. Of course I want to do a facial with my female self! I immediately book an appointment with Alejandro, my personal facial and massage specialist, for a his-and-hers facial and massage session. He tells me his spa, Alejandro's Man Spa For Masculine Manly Men, usually doesn't do women, but since I'm one of his best customers he makes an exception.

We arrive at Alejandro's Man Spa for Masculine Manly Men in no time and immediately land in exfoliation bliss. Alejandro is working on me while his man-assistant Renaldo is working on my female self. I can't believe my female self and I are doing a his-and-hers facial and massage so soon. Are we moving too fast? I think I love her. Does she feel the same way about me? I've only ever felt this way about myself, but someone else - that's new territory. These thoughts completely consume me during the facial and massage session. Suddenly, Alejandro and his man assistant tells me, "We are done. We'll leave you alone now Rocket Man..." They both leave the room giggling.

Rocket Man? What do they mean?

It was at this moment that I realized that I was so aroused by the fact that I am doing a his-and-her facial and massage with Fake EL that my "number-one" peer out through all the towels covering my Adonis body - Alejandro and Renaldo saw it. No wonder why they left us alone. This is so embarrassing, They'll think I'm such a slut. Dear god I hope they don't they tell Donny about this. Thank god Fake EL has cucumbers over her eyes so she hasn't seen my "number-one" display itself in its full glory. I need to calm "it" down so I focus all my thoughts on Hans and in no time "it" shrivels back into hibernation.

Not too long afterwards Fake EL gets up and looks at me. She has an ear-to-ear smile on her face. I asked her, "Why so cheery?" She doesn't say anything to me. She pulls out her compact and hands it to me. I tell her, "There's no way I'm looking at myself with all the scabby crap on my face", but she insists so I reluctantly do it and to my surprise....

My face has completely healed! WOO HOO!

Apparently the citrus scrub that Alejandro did during my facial completely cleaned off all the flaky scabs. My face is as BEAUTIFUL and as PERFECT as it was before Fake RL mangled it in a brawl. I burst into tears of happiness. Fake EL's smile becomes a laugh. We hug. We lock lips. Our first kiss - there couldn't be a more appropriate moment.

I've so in love with myself right now that my "number-one" shoots out again from the towels wrap around my body. Rocket Man has returned. It's embarrassing, but I don't care - I hope everyone reads this entry of my secret diary - it's been so long since I've admired myself. I can't believe how much I miss myself.

I'm so beautiful.
I'm so handsome.
I'm so hot.

I'm so giddy that I start dancing just like the baby in this video:

I can't stop this feelin' deep inside of me.
Self, I just don't realize what I do to me.

When I hold me in my arms so tight,
I let me know everything's alright.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm...hooked on a feelin',
High on believin' that I'm in love with meeeeeee.

Lips are sweet as candy, the taste stays on my mind.
Self, I keep me thirsty for another cup of wine!

I got it bad for me, self, but I don't need a cure.
I'll just stay a addicted and hope I can endure!

All the good love, when we're all alone.
Keep it up, self, yeah I turn me on.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm...hooked on a feelin',
High on believin' that I'm in love with meeeeeee.

All the good love, when I'm all alone,
Keep it up, self, yeah I turn me on.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm...hooked on a feelin',
I'm high on believin' that I'm in love with meeeeeee.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


What's going on here? I suddenly have the ability to appreciate and tackle things that I normally wouldn't touch with a ten feet pole. All because I no longer have this intense urge to look at myself - my face is all scarred up from a recent brawl with the DBA (Database Administrator) team and looking in the mirror makes me burst into tears.

I'm really confused.

Yesterday I had dinner with Donny and Fake JZ and discovered things about the both of them that I would have never noticed if I still had my pretty picture-perfect face.

I learned that Donny is a closet comedian. If you ask me, he really should just come out of the closet and let people know who he really is. I'd be the first one by his side. I'd support him 100%. I also learned that Fake JZ is really not as annoying as I thought she was. All along I thought she was this super smart workaholic ice queen. Well, she is a super smart workaholic, but definitely not an ice queen. She's really cheerful and funny. For the first time in my life, I can truly say I enjoy her company.

It gets weirder...

I'm actually doing things described in my job description. I'm no longer just the pretty face of software development. I can do real work too. I'm starting to find problems in our code and I'm taking the initiative to fix them. Just the other day I started to see quality issues with our code. I realized that it can be fixed by incorporating Spring Framework into our technology stack.

You see Spring Framework leverages Inversion of Control to enforce OO best practices such as coding to interfaces instead of concrete implementations, not overusing use inheritance, and keeping code simple and clean so it's "unit-test friendly".

Ah Brrro, I can't believe I just wrote that.

I bet people not in the software industry haven't the slightest idea what I just said. Well, I too would've started drooling if somebody said that to me before my face was mangled by Fake RL, but it now makes complete sense. In fact, I gave a presentation about Spring Framework to the entire software development team and it was received with applauses and standing ovations.

It gets even better, King Jorge was completely sold by the presentation and told me my top priority is incorporating Spring Framework into our current technology stack.

Ah Brrro, I'm starting to sound like my man-assistant, Hans. And another thing, I heard people say his name is not really Hans. Sounds fishy to me, but I'll eventually get to the bottom of it.

This is by far the strangest entry in my secret diaries. It's so out of character for me. If this ever becomes public, I swear to the reader that I'm not smoking anything as I'm writing this. No mind expanding drugs. No nothing. Cross my heart.

Monday, November 19, 2007

The Healing Process - Dinner with Donny and Fake JZ (Part Two)

(continued from: The Healing Process - Getting In Touch With My Female Self (Part One))

Fake JZ, Fake DM, and myself are have dinner together to blow off some steam from all the events that happened in the past few days. Honestly, anything to get my mind off my formerly beautiful and now deformed face is fine with me so I'm more than happy to be having dinner with them. If I didn't have a baboon's ass for a face, I wouldn't be paying any attention to anyone except for myself, but that's not the case so I actually begin to notice a lot of things about Fake DM and Fake JZ.

Donny is actually a really funny guy. He likes to make a lot of jokes. The best part is when he laughs. His laughter will go three octaves higher than his normal man-defined voice. His man-defined face will scrunch up like a cute little raisin and he's man-defined pearly whites will go on full display. He's so cute when he does this. I don't know why, but I just want to smile when his cute little face scrunches up like that. Sometimes I just want to vigorously rub his man-defined beard with both my hands. In fact, I think he would appreciate me doing that because it will promote blood circulation around the cheek area warding off wrinkles. I'll do this the next time I'm alone with him. I don't want to do it front of Fake JZ because everyone will feel awkward.

Speaking of Fake JZ, I noticed that she has two types of laugh: A polite laugh and a real laugh. The polite laugh is always done unconsciously. It's like a reflex. It sounds very lazy. She'll say something like, "Fake JS you better do as I say or I'm gonna tell King Jorge you leave work early everyday, heh heh heh." Most people just end their sentences with a normal "period", but Fake JZ's periods are a lazy "heh heh heh". It actually doesn't mean that she thinks anything is be honest, I actually don't know what it means when she does it. I don't even know why she does it. It's just like I don't know why I whip out my compact to look at myself these days even though I look worse than Hans. I know why I did it before I got beaten up - I was Adonis reincarnated - but it just doesn't make any sense now, but anyways I digress. Fake JZ's real laugh is quite a thing to behold. Her face scrunches up like a prune. Her face turns red. Her mouth opens up like the parting of the Red Sea. Tears come gushing out of her eyes and down her face like a tropical storm in the Amazon Rainforest. If seeing that doesn't cheer you up, you might have some serious depression issues.

But there is a warning label to Fake JZ's real laugh. If she's got anything in her mouth when she breaks out one of her real laugh, duck or get out of the way. The things in her mouth will shoot out like bullets in a machine gun. This actually happened during our dinner. Fake JZ just put a mint in her mouth and Donny made a really funny joke that caused everyone to burst into uncontrollably laughter. Fake JZ's mint shot out of her mouth and smacked me right on my forehead causing me to fall backwards. Thank god Donny caught my fall otherwise I would have cracked my skull on the concrete restaurant floor. When Donny caught my fall, he was still laughing, but we caught each other's gaze and I realized we were both "in get" again. His scrunched up little raisin face is so cute I just want to rub his man-defined beard, but I resist because we are not alone.

After Donny puts me back on my feet, I said to him, "Ah Brrro, thanks for the save." and he replied, "Brrro, you're welcome." as we both awkwardly look away from each other pretending nothing happened. This moment caused me to look up and I saw a hole in the ceiling. Apparently Fake JZ's mint ricocheted off my forehead and through the ceiling. Ah Brrro, that's wicked! The only reason why the mint didn't go through my skull was because the scar tissue made the skin on my face tougher than normal. Fake JZ almost killed me, but my baboon ass face saved my life. You have been warned about Fake JZ's real laugh.

Anyways, the fact that I have no real motivation to admire myself has allowed me to get to know my co-workers a lot better. Fake JZ and Donny are real cool. Donny's more than just a pretty face and I don't mind Fake JZ constantly interrupt me about work when I'm looking into my compact. I guess it's not so bad being ugly - Oh my god I can't believe I just wrote that. Thank god this is a secret diary that no one will ever read.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

The Healing Process - Getting In Touch With My Female Self (Part One)

For the first time in my life, I prefer not to be in front of a mirror worshipping myself because frankly I cannot tell the difference between a baboon's ass and my face right now. What is most upsetting to me is this is really all King Jorge's fault. He's the one that forced me to do real work which got me into the following unfortunate predicaments that will forever taint my reputation as a handsomely heterosexual man:
I was perfectly happy before King Jorge became my boss because no one ever expected me to do anything so I could spend at least 8 hours a day practicing my manly handsome hotness in front of some highly reflective surfaces. Before King Jorge was my boss I was the picture perfect ideal of pure hotness. I used to be sooo hot, but now I cannot even look at myself in the mirror without bursting into tears.

I really hate King Jorge.

Luckily for me I met Fake EL. Thank god for her. She has truly made these dog days bearable. We really kicked it off the first time we met because she looks exactly like me, except she's a girl. She's pure feminine sexy sultriness just like I used to be pure manly handsome hotness. She is my female self.

She recently gave me a couple pictures of herself. I printed multiple copies of them and used them to cover all mirrors and highly reflective surfaces in my office and home. I've even covered the mirror in my compact with her picture so I don't have to look at my baboon ass of a face when I use my compact. The Ugly Betties of the world maybe thinking, "Fake JS, why don't you just forgo carrying around the compact?" Well Ugly Betty, you're retarded. You don't understand the curse of being this hot. Whipping out a compact to look at myself is an unconscious reflex. I have been doing since before I could read. I have no control over these things. I cannot not do it, you know what I mean? DUH! It's as fundamental as breathing! So the easiest thing to do is cover the mirror in my compact with my female self until my face has completely healed.

Makes sense to me.

Oh well, Ugly Betty's opinions do not matter to me because they will become irrelevant when my face is completely healed so that it can rejoin the rest of my amazing Adonis features to once again grace all mirrors and highly reflective surfaces in full glory. The thought of that day becoming reality just makes me love myself even more, but right now I'm feeling lonely because I miss my female self so I decided to give her a call to setup a date with her. We settled on shopping together later this week for some moisturizers and facial masks, but unfortunately her sister, Fake RL, was with her when I called. The good thing was the date was confirmed, but the bad thing was Fake RL grabbed the phone from Fake EL and threatened to kill me if I continue to court my female self. Fake RL just wouldn't stop cussing at me.

This situation is awfully awkward. The problem is I've got the hots for my female self, but her sister hates my guts. Fake RL beat the crap of me and I cannot do anything about it. I would really love to get her back, but I have to suck it up and take it. I would really love to tell Fake RL that she's a world class b*tch, but I can't. I would really love to pull out her hair, but I can't. I would really love to beat her at a cat fight, but I can't. I can't because if I do anything to Fake RL, I would lose Fake EL, my female self, my own personal Mona Lisa.

So I just sit there and let Fake RL cuss me out for about an hour until she decides to hang up on me. God this is so embarrassing. Thank god this is a secret diary that no one will ever read.

(to be continued)

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

King Jorge: Stored Procedures and Hibernate Can Coexist

(continued from: King Jorge: J-Tard Explained)

I wake up and I'm groggy. I can't quite remember what happened. Apparently I passed out some time during the brawl that occurred between "J-tards" and DBAs (Database Administrators). My face is sore. I'm surrounded by Fake DM, Fake JZ, Hans, and King Jorge. They are all covered in scrapes and cuts from head to toe. My poor Donny has a black eye. Fake JZ has a few missing patches of hair. King Jorge has a fat lip. Hans is still ugly. And yet they seem to be concerned about me. I ask for my compact and I hear Fake JZ murmur, "Umm, you broke the only one we had left." My grogginess begins to wither. My face is very sore. I'm starting to feel uneasy. I ask Donny for his compact. He looks away and tells me, "Sorry Fake JS, I don't have one on me right now." I know something is wrong. Donny always has a compact on him. I'm fully awake now. My face is sore beyond belief. I look at King Jorge, but before I can say anything he chimes in, "Look, Fake JS, we need to explain the situation to you..." God, my face hurts so bad it's numb. Just as I demand to know what's going on, I remember everything that happened during the brawl...

Fake RL (the female DBA) and Fake Jeff (my arch nemesis) beat my face silly and I sacrificed my beauty to get right with Hans and Fake JZ.

Oh my god! I remember everything! MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! I demand a mirror from everyone and anyone. They all look away unable to say anything to me.

I think I hear Donny sob.

Suddenly I hear a voice from a distance, "Fake JS you're such a whining annoying J-Tard! Do you think you are the only one injured?! You gave me a concussion you f***in a**hole!"

It's Fake RL!

She chucks a compact at me and screams, "Here's a compact! Now shut the f*** up! Your voice is giving me a headache!"

I retaliate, "You broke my nose Fake RL! You ruined a perfect face you snotty little b***h and all you can do is think about is yourself! Did you ever think about my face?! You obviously have no understanding of true beauty!"

Fake RL laughs, "True beauty?! Look at yourself! You look worst than Hans!"

Donny gasps. Fake JZ covers her face. King Jorge looks away. Hans looks dejected.

Suddenly, the lady attending to Fake RL walks toward me to diffuse the tension. Oh my god, she's beautiful. She's like the female version of me! I can't stop looking at her just like I can't stop looking at myself on highly reflective surfaces. She takes the compact from my hand and calmly says to me, "Hi my name is Fake EL, when you are done using my compact please return it to me." She opens it up and places it in my hand. I can't stop staring at her. I stutter, "Hi Fake EL, I'm Fake JS..." I turn away from her and stare into the compact...


My face is swollen like an inflated blowfish! My nose is broken and bloodied. I cannot tell where my lips end and my cheeks begin. I burst into tears because I'm uglier than Hans! I go into full tilt panic. I grab King Jorge by the collar of his shirt and exclaim, "King Jorge, give me a raise. I'll write code. I'll do anything. I need the money for plastic surgery! I cannot live like this! I cannot be ugly! I need to look at myself, but I cannot bear looking at myself! I cannot deal with this contradiction! I cannot see myself like this. Dear god! What am I gonna do?!"

Everyone is shaking their heads.

Fake EL sits down next to me and calms me down. She takes the compact away from me and says, "Looks aren't everything. It's what inside that counts Fake JS." I laugh at that statement, but when I look at her the thought of my badly deformed face fades into oblivion. I feel so serene when I see her, it's almost the same as looking into a mirror. Fake EL is so beautiful I cannot stop staring at her. I say to her, "You are so beautiful. When I look at you I forget that I look worst than Hans."

She giggles and says, "Thank you. Your face will eventually heal." and I reply, "In the meantime, can stare upon your beautiful face until my face heals?"

Fake RL screams, "You a**hole! Fake EL is my sister! Stop hitting on her or I'm gonna kill you! The last thing I want is a J-Tard for a relative!"

Fake EL smiles at me. I smile back at her. I look at her and the feeling of euphoria eclipses every bone in my body. It's love at first sight. I know it because I feel the same way when I see myself in a mirror. Thank god for Fake EL, I wouldn't be able to survive through this trauma without her.

It's interesting how things work. An amazing turn of embarrassing events has left me at a new low in life - I was beaten up by a girl, my arch nemesis got the best of me, and I'm uglier than Hans. But through these events, I was able to make the acquaintance of Fake EL - someone almost as hot as me.

Her beauty will allow me to make it through these ugly-duckling days of mine. I can stare at her until I'm beautiful enough again to view myself in the mirror.

I suddenly hear King Jorge break out into yet another speech, "Great! Now that Fake JS is ok, we need to move forward and learn to coexist with the DBAs. I just got out of a meeting and learned that Stored Procedures and Hibernate can live happily together..."

Dear god, King Jorge is talking about work again. It's at this point that his words blur to blah blah blah because I'm busy staring at Fake EL. She's my own personal Mona Lisa. For the first time in my life I'm ok with being ugly because I have Fake EL's beauty. I can't believe I just said that. Of course I would never admit this to anyone - I'll only writing this down because this is secret diary no one will ever read.

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake Jeff's chronicle of this event]

Friday, November 2, 2007

King Jorge: J-Tard Explained

(continued from: King Jorge: The Man Crush Triangle)

I'm in Fake DM's office trying to explain to him why Fake Jeff has it out for me, but of course I'm not doing a good job of it since I really don't understand why Fake Jeff is pissed about me creating a "connection leak". Donny didn't know what a "connection leak" is either, so he asked that I retrace everything that happened today so we can figure it out together. I didn't bother telling him how many times I used my compact today because that's something obvious for people like us, but then I told him about how King Jorge forced me to write a program for Bobby H - Donny was surprised by this and asked, "Brrro, you wrote code?"

I was equally surprised that I was actually able to create a program the works. He asked if I "connected to a database" and I'm thinking what is a "database", so I ask Donny, "Ah Brrro, what is a database? Is it like an army base except it's a base for data thingies?" Donny shrugs and responses, "I don't know either, but I know it's something Fake Jeff cares a lot about because he constantly talks about it on his blog." This is like the blind leading the blind. We eventually give up, but we think it's best to play it safe and shutdown the program I wrote to cover my tracks.

Just as we turn off my program, King Jorge quietly walks into Donny's office and closes the door. He looks at the both of us and whispers, "If Ricky C comes in looking for me, tell him I'm not here. I'm going to hide under the desk." Sure enough Ricky C enters Fake DM's office and asks, "Hola Java minions. Have you seen Senor Jorge?" We both shake our heads and say "no" and Ricky C smiles and says, "If you see Senor Jorge, please tell him I am looking for him." We both nod and Ricky C closes the office door and leaves.

King Jorge peeks out from under the desk and whispers, "Is he gone?" We both nod and wonder what's going on. King Jorge comes out from under the desk, sits down on a stair, and proceeds with his story, "I'm so embarrassed by this - Ricky C totally has the hots for me. I'm trying to do everything to avoid him because I don't think Bobby H likes it. Bobby H and I were in his office having a meeting and Ricky C barges in to gives me another box of chocolate and then I noticed Bobby facial expression turn sour. I mean he looks so happy when talking with me until Ricky C interrupted. I felt so awkward that I feigned a stomachache to get out of the meeting. I think I saw Ricky C head to the bathroom to find me. That's the last place I want to be alone with him - I'm doomed if he pulls a Larry Craig. Anyways, thanks for covering my tracks. By the way guys, did you see Bobby H's hair today..."

I believe it is at this point that Donny and I tuned out King Jorge because we whipped out our compacts to confirm how desirable we are to the ladies. I just remember hearing blah blah blah Bobby H's hair this, blah blah blah, Bobby H's hair that. I think this goes on for hours and I lovin' it because I'm admiring myself, but all good things must come to an end; King Jorge's phone rings - It's Max Spazter (Fake Jeff's boss). The conversation is quick and to the point. King Jorge tell us that Max Spazter wants to have a meeting between us and the DBAs (Database Administrators) so we peek out the door to check if the coast is clear - No Fake Jeff or Ricky C in sight. We make our way to the meeting room. We grab as many Java developers as we can find to join us.

When we enter the room, I see Max Spazter with all his DBAs waiting for us. I see Fake Jeff too! He looks at me and motions two fingers toward his eyes and then one finger towards me telling me he's watching me ala Robert DeNiro in Meet The Parents. He then points at the whiteboard - I see a circle labeled "Fake Jeff's Circle of Trust". I notice that a dot labeled Fake JS is outside that circle. Oh god I can see this getting ugly really quick. Max Spazter says to King Jorge, "Fake JS is writing crappy Java code that's causing a connection leak! This is just one example of all the crappy code your people write." King Jorge asks me to confirm Spazter's accusation. Thank god Donny and I turned off the program so I proceed to lie, "There's no connection leak!" I dare not look at Fake Jeff, but I know his face is turning red. Spazter asks Fake Jeff to pull up his database monitoring tools to show King Jorge. He won't find a thing. Fake Jeff screams, "The J-Tard turned off his program to cover his tracks." He points at me, "I'm gonna get you J-Tard!" King Jorge interjects, "Hold on Fake Jeff, don't make false accusations because you have a vendetta against us." Spazter interjects, "Oh yeah! Well you and all your reports are J-Tards!" King Jorge questions Spazter, "What is J-Tard?" Spazter laughs and says, "You don't know?! You're an idiot! J-Tard is an abbreviated form of Frigtard Java Developers!" King Jorge does not take well to the insult and grabs Spazter by the neck, "What did you call me Spazter?!" Spazter grabs King Jorge by the neck and says, "J-Tard!"

King Jorge looks at us and cries, "DOWN WITH STORED-PROCEDURES!"

Max Spazter looks at his DBAs and cries, "IN THE NAME OF LARRY, DESTROY ALL J-TARDS!"

Everyone's looking at each other unsure of what to do. I look at Donny and see this horrific look on his face. I turn to see what he sees; Fake Jeff lunging towards me. I hear Donny scream. I scream as well and immediately duck to protect my face. Fake Jeff flies over me and tackles Hans instead. Suddenly the whole room breaks into full brawl. I look around and I see Java developers and DBAs attacking each other! King Jorge and Max Spazter are trying to strangle each other. I see Hans punch Fake Jeff while another DBA uses a chair to hit Hans from behind. I see Fake JZ put her heel into a DBA's gut while another DBA pulls Fake JZ down by her hair. I can't see Donny though I hear him screaming. I'm screaming too. I get up only to see Fake Jeff's fist. He punches me in the face! - NOT THE FACE! - I'm dizzy. I lose my bearings. All I can hear is the chaos of fighting and screaming around me. Suddenly Fake RL, a female DBA, jump-kicks me in the face. I immediately drop to the floor in pain. She picks me up and slams me down on the meeting table. I try to grab her hair, but she headbutts me - NOT THE FACE! - I think my nose is broken! I'm disoriented again. She throws me off the table and I land face-first on the floor. Donny tackles Fake RL just as she was about to put her finishing move on me. Donny you're my hero! I stumble onto to my feet. I'm still disoriented. I see Fake JZ being over powered by her opponent. It's my chance to patch things up with her. I take out my compact and crack it over her opponent's head. A look of shock covers Fake JZ's face, but before I can say anything Fake Jeff punches me in the face again - NOT THE FACE! - I drop to the floor. Fake JZ screams "HI YA!" and karate-chops Fake Jeff in the neck. She picks me up off the ground. I try to apologize, but she doesn't hear me. She points at Hans and says something to me - I can't hear what she is saying because my ears are ringing from all the punches to my face, but I can see that Hans is in trouble. Another chance for me to make things right, but I have no more strength. I cannot move. I cannot feel anything so I ask Fake JZ to fling me towards Hans's attacker. She does it without hesitation. I fly across the room and tackle Han's attacker. It's Fake RL! I knocked her out cold. I'm going to pass out, but Hans picks me up and I think I hear him say thank you. Suddenly I hear the meeting room door swing open and I hear someone exclaimed, "What is going on here?!" It's Bobby H's voice.

The room falls silent.

I realized I finally know the meaning of J-Tard.

Everything goes dark. I pass out.

(to be continued: King Jorge: Store Procedures and Hibernate Can Coexist)

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake Jeff's chronicle of this event]

Thursday, November 1, 2007

King Jorge: The Man Crush Triangle

(continued from King Jorge: The JVM Problem is Fixed and The King Jorge Era is Established)

This has not been a pleasant few days and it doesn't help that it is Halloween - a day where beautiful people like myself have to wear a mask. How stupid is that? I have to put on a mask so that no one can gaze upon my face? That's wrong! Don't get me wrong, ugly folks like Hans should wear a mask. In fact, it should be Halloween everyday for them, but for people like me - why would I deprive the masses of such immaculate perfection? Anyways, that's the least of my problems right now because the whole ordeal with Fake Jeff locking me in the storage cabinet
has really strained relationships between everyone. For starters, Fake Jeff used to upset me, but now I plain hate him. What he did to me was sooo not cool. The cabinet was very dark. I was unable to use my compact to admire myself for way too long and the way I came out of the cabinet was very embarrassing. Because of those events, Fake JZ refuses to talk to me. I realize I did cross the line with her, but Fake Jeff forced my hand. Furthermore, Fake DM is pissed off at Fake JZ. I'm not really sure why because he doesn't want to talk about. Lastly, Hans is still being a self-absorbed prissy pants by holding a grudge against me for breaking his nose. You know, Hans is such a whiner. He's so not me i.e. he's sooo not hot. He loses nothing from a broken nose. Hans, you were ugly even before I broke your nose. Ugly is ugly so DROP IT! If you broke my nose, that would be a totally different story 'cause I'm hot. So if you're me you have the right to be pissed, but you're not so get over it!

Anyways, all this thinking has really taken me away from me so I decided to whip out my new compact and my new nose-hair trimmer to start making my perfectly-beautiful self even more perfectly beautiful. God, every time I see myself in the mirror I'm so blown away by how gorgeous I am. Just as I start trimming away King Jorge barges into my office. He tells me he needs me to write some code for him. I'm thinking, "I don't know how to write code", but I play along because I need this job. It costs a lot to keep myself so beautiful.

He tells me he just got out of a meeting with Bobby H (aka The Hair). He is King Jorge's boss. King Jorge promised him a whole bunch of new features and I am going to write it for him. Damn, I won't have time to finishing trimming my nostril hairs. The funny thing is our discussion lasted for almost an hour, but King Jorge mostly talked about The Hair's hair: how thick it is, how smooth it is, how fluffy it is, how soft it is - how beautiful it is. I think it is safe to assume that King Jorge has a big-time Man Crush on The Hair. It gets more complicated. King Jorge also tells me about Ricky C (Bobby H's boss). Evidently Ricky C has a Man Crush on King Jorge, at least that's what I'm told. King Jorge tells me how he and Ricky C met at a meeting and ever since then Ricky C has been coming on to him. Ricky C gave him a box of chocolate - a pink heart-shaped box of chocolate - and Ricky C is constantly barging into meetings just to say "hi" to King Jorge.

So here's the deal, King Jorge has a man-crush on The Hair, Ricky C has man-crush on King Jorge, and who knows what is going on between The Hair and Ricky C since they been "working together" for so many years.

It's a Man Crush Triangle! King Jorge is the new bacon between the Ricky C and Bobby H sandwich!

I'm so jealous every time I see King Jorge walk into The Hair's office and close the door behind him. I'm so jealous every time Ricky C winks at King Jorge. Why does he get all this attention? I'm hotter than King Jorge, why doesn't the The Hair let me stroke his hair from time to time and why doesn't Ricky C give me a heart-shaped box of chocolate. I hate King Jorge, but then I catch a reflection of myself on a compact I left on my desk and the world is perfect again. Thank god I'm so gorgeous otherwise my life would be so bitter. As usual, I lose track of what King Jorge is saying because I'm busy admiring myself until he stands up to leave and tells me he needs everything done by tomorrow. He promises The Hair the world just because he wants to run his hand through The Hair's hair and handsome me has to grab my ankles and deal with it.

I hate King Jorge.

After he leaves my office, I immediately begin slaving away on my computer. God I really suck and this "writing code" thing. This is embarrassing since writing code is supposed to be my job. After about eights hours I got my ten lines of code to compile into a program. I begin to execute my program and I don't see any errors. OH MY GOD, I WROTE A PROGRAM THAT ACTUALLY EXECUTES PROPERLY! Maybe I can be more than just a pretty face. I'm so happy that I start dancing with my compact like Fred Astaire did with Ginger Rogers until Fake Jeff barges into my office and accuses me of doing something to his database. I don't understand what he's saying so I will just quote it verbatim:

"You %#@#$ tardest J-Tard of them all! You $%@# created a $%# connection leak on my beloved database! Do you even know how to write code?!"

Fake Jeff is such a buzzkill. Did I mention I hate him? Of course I have no idea what he just said because I'm such a fraud so I panic and blurt out something that sounds like something Hans or Fake JZ would say,

"Fake Jeff, did you consider the Agile ESB that delivers the SOA of the Test Driven Database Oracle that serialize SCRUM packets over the EJB into JVM on the ByteCode MBean of RMI Servlet Session SSH HTTP JAXB JMS Tibco DB2 IBM .NET Microsoft Google JBoss Spring Winter Autumn Summer Apple and Oranges? Did you consider that huh? huh? huh? and by the way, you suck! I hate you."

Fake Jeff just stares at me. Maybe I stumped him. I think what I said actually made sense. YES! I am more than a pretty face. I can soo do this for a living. Just as I begin to start dancing with my compact again Fake Jeff interrupts, "You're not making sense! You're completely clueless you J-Tard! You better turn off your $%#$ program before I lock you up again!"

Ok, maybe I'm not cut out for this coding thing. I've been exposed. There only one thing left to do - RUN.

I try to escape out of my office, but Fake Jeff blocks off the exit. I throw my nose-hair trimmer at him. He slaps it away and chases me around my desk a few times. He lunges towards me to get a hold of me, but I was able to escape his grip and race out of the room. I continue running down the office hallway like a bat out of hell and make my way into Fake DM's office. I have no where else to go because everyone except Donny is pissed at me. Donny's got this superbly surprised look on his face that's asking me "what the hell's going on now?" I run under his desk to hide there. I whisper through my heavy breathing, "Brrro, I need your help, If Fake Jeff comes asking where I am, tell him you haven't see me!" He nods. Not too longer after I said that I hear Fake Jeff open the door and ask Donny, "J-Tard, seen Fake JS?!" Donny replies, "No I haven't." Fake Jeff replies, "If you see that J-Tard, tell him he's outside my circle of trust and I'M GOING BEAT HIM BLOODY!" The door slams shut. Donny looks down at me and asks, "What's going on? What did you get me into now?"

I'm so sorry Donny, you're the only friend I have left and now I've involved you in something so ludicrous that I'm only recording this because this is a secret diary that no one will ever read.

(to be continued: King Jorge: J-Tard Explained)

Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake Jeff's chronicle of this event]