Wednesday, November 14, 2007

King Jorge: Stored Procedures and Hibernate Can Coexist

(continued from: King Jorge: J-Tard Explained)

I wake up and I'm groggy. I can't quite remember what happened. Apparently I passed out some time during the brawl that occurred between "J-tards" and DBAs (Database Administrators). My face is sore. I'm surrounded by Fake DM, Fake JZ, Hans, and King Jorge. They are all covered in scrapes and cuts from head to toe. My poor Donny has a black eye. Fake JZ has a few missing patches of hair. King Jorge has a fat lip. Hans is still ugly. And yet they seem to be concerned about me. I ask for my compact and I hear Fake JZ murmur, "Umm, you broke the only one we had left." My grogginess begins to wither. My face is very sore. I'm starting to feel uneasy. I ask Donny for his compact. He looks away and tells me, "Sorry Fake JS, I don't have one on me right now." I know something is wrong. Donny always has a compact on him. I'm fully awake now. My face is sore beyond belief. I look at King Jorge, but before I can say anything he chimes in, "Look, Fake JS, we need to explain the situation to you..." God, my face hurts so bad it's numb. Just as I demand to know what's going on, I remember everything that happened during the brawl...

Fake RL (the female DBA) and Fake Jeff (my arch nemesis) beat my face silly and I sacrificed my beauty to get right with Hans and Fake JZ.

Oh my god! I remember everything! MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! I demand a mirror from everyone and anyone. They all look away unable to say anything to me.

I think I hear Donny sob.

Suddenly I hear a voice from a distance, "Fake JS you're such a whining annoying J-Tard! Do you think you are the only one injured?! You gave me a concussion you f***in a**hole!"

It's Fake RL!

She chucks a compact at me and screams, "Here's a compact! Now shut the f*** up! Your voice is giving me a headache!"

I retaliate, "You broke my nose Fake RL! You ruined a perfect face you snotty little b***h and all you can do is think about is yourself! Did you ever think about my face?! You obviously have no understanding of true beauty!"

Fake RL laughs, "True beauty?! Look at yourself! You look worst than Hans!"

Donny gasps. Fake JZ covers her face. King Jorge looks away. Hans looks dejected.

Suddenly, the lady attending to Fake RL walks toward me to diffuse the tension. Oh my god, she's beautiful. She's like the female version of me! I can't stop looking at her just like I can't stop looking at myself on highly reflective surfaces. She takes the compact from my hand and calmly says to me, "Hi my name is Fake EL, when you are done using my compact please return it to me." She opens it up and places it in my hand. I can't stop staring at her. I stutter, "Hi Fake EL, I'm Fake JS..." I turn away from her and stare into the compact...


My face is swollen like an inflated blowfish! My nose is broken and bloodied. I cannot tell where my lips end and my cheeks begin. I burst into tears because I'm uglier than Hans! I go into full tilt panic. I grab King Jorge by the collar of his shirt and exclaim, "King Jorge, give me a raise. I'll write code. I'll do anything. I need the money for plastic surgery! I cannot live like this! I cannot be ugly! I need to look at myself, but I cannot bear looking at myself! I cannot deal with this contradiction! I cannot see myself like this. Dear god! What am I gonna do?!"

Everyone is shaking their heads.

Fake EL sits down next to me and calms me down. She takes the compact away from me and says, "Looks aren't everything. It's what inside that counts Fake JS." I laugh at that statement, but when I look at her the thought of my badly deformed face fades into oblivion. I feel so serene when I see her, it's almost the same as looking into a mirror. Fake EL is so beautiful I cannot stop staring at her. I say to her, "You are so beautiful. When I look at you I forget that I look worst than Hans."

She giggles and says, "Thank you. Your face will eventually heal." and I reply, "In the meantime, can stare upon your beautiful face until my face heals?"

Fake RL screams, "You a**hole! Fake EL is my sister! Stop hitting on her or I'm gonna kill you! The last thing I want is a J-Tard for a relative!"

Fake EL smiles at me. I smile back at her. I look at her and the feeling of euphoria eclipses every bone in my body. It's love at first sight. I know it because I feel the same way when I see myself in a mirror. Thank god for Fake EL, I wouldn't be able to survive through this trauma without her.

It's interesting how things work. An amazing turn of embarrassing events has left me at a new low in life - I was beaten up by a girl, my arch nemesis got the best of me, and I'm uglier than Hans. But through these events, I was able to make the acquaintance of Fake EL - someone almost as hot as me.

Her beauty will allow me to make it through these ugly-duckling days of mine. I can stare at her until I'm beautiful enough again to view myself in the mirror.

I suddenly hear King Jorge break out into yet another speech, "Great! Now that Fake JS is ok, we need to move forward and learn to coexist with the DBAs. I just got out of a meeting and learned that Stored Procedures and Hibernate can live happily together..."

Dear god, King Jorge is talking about work again. It's at this point that his words blur to blah blah blah because I'm busy staring at Fake EL. She's my own personal Mona Lisa. For the first time in my life I'm ok with being ugly because I have Fake EL's beauty. I can't believe I just said that. Of course I would never admit this to anyone - I'll only writing this down because this is secret diary no one will ever read.

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake Jeff's chronicle of this event]

No comments: