The Healing Process - Getting In Touch With My Female Self (Part One)

For the first time in my life, I prefer not to be in front of a mirror worshipping myself because frankly I cannot tell the difference between a baboon's ass and my face right now. What is most upsetting to me is this is really all King Jorge's fault. He's the one that forced me to do real work which got me into the following unfortunate predicaments that will forever taint my reputation as a handsomely heterosexual man:

• I was kidnapped and locked inside a cabinet by Fake Jeff
  
• I was forced to unceremoniously "come out of the cabinet"
  
• I was forced to betray Fake JZ's trust
  
• I had to sacrifice my most prized possession, my compact, to earn back Fake JZ's trust.
• I was beaten up by a girl, Fake RL
• I look worst than Hans

I was perfectly happy before King Jorge became my boss because no one ever expected me to do anything so I could spend at least 8 hours a day practicing my manly handsome hotness in front of some highly reflective surfaces. Before King Jorge was my boss I was the picture perfect ideal of pure hotness. I used to be sooo hot, but now I cannot even look at myself in the mirror without bursting into tears.

I really hate King Jorge.

Luckily for me I met Fake EL. Thank god for her. She has truly made these dog days bearable. We really kicked it off the first time we met because she looks exactly like me, except she's a girl. She's pure feminine sexy sultriness just like I used to be pure manly handsome hotness. She is my female self.

She recently gave me a couple pictures of herself. I printed multiple copies of them and used them to cover all mirrors and highly reflective surfaces in my office and home. I've even covered the mirror in my compact with her picture so I don't have to look at my baboon ass of a face when I use my compact. The Ugly Betties of the world maybe thinking, "Fake JS, why don't you just forgo carrying around the compact?" Well Ugly Betty, you're retarded. You don't understand the curse of being this hot. Whipping out a compact to look at myself is an unconscious reflex. I have been doing since before I could read. I have no control over these things. I cannot not do it, you know what I mean? DUH! It's as fundamental as breathing! So the easiest thing to do is cover the mirror in my compact with my female self until my face has completely healed.

Makes sense to me.

Oh well, Ugly Betty's opinions do not matter to me because they will become irrelevant when my face is completely healed so that it can rejoin the rest of my amazing Adonis features to once again grace all mirrors and highly reflective surfaces in full glory. The thought of that day becoming reality just makes me love myself even more, but right now I'm feeling lonely because I miss my female self so I decided to give her a call to setup a date with her. We settled on shopping together later this week for some moisturizers and facial masks, but unfortunately her sister, Fake RL, was with her when I called. The good thing was the date was confirmed, but the bad thing was Fake RL grabbed the phone from Fake EL and threatened to kill me if I continue to court my female self. Fake RL just wouldn't stop cussing at me.

This situation is awfully awkward. The problem is I've got the hots for my female self, but her sister hates my guts. Fake RL beat the crap of me and I cannot do anything about it. I would really love to get her back, but I have to suck it up and take it. I would really love to tell Fake RL that she's a world class b*tch, but I can't. I would really love to pull out her hair, but I can't. I would really love to beat her at a cat fight, but I can't. I can't because if I do anything to Fake RL, I would lose Fake EL, my female self, my own personal Mona Lisa.

So I just sit there and let Fake RL cuss me out for about an hour until she decides to hang up on me. God this is so embarrassing. Thank god this is a secret diary that no one will ever read.

(to be continued)