(continued from King Jorge: The JVM Problem is Fixed and The King Jorge Era is Established)
This has not been a pleasant few days and it doesn't help that it is Halloween - a day where beautiful people like myself have to wear a mask. How stupid is that? I have to put on a mask so that no one can gaze upon my face? That's wrong! Don't get me wrong, ugly folks like Hans should wear a mask. In fact, it should be Halloween everyday for them, but for people like me - why would I deprive the masses of such immaculate perfection? Anyways, that's the least of my problems right now because the whole ordeal with Fake Jeff locking me in the storage cabinet has really strained relationships between everyone. For starters, Fake Jeff used to upset me, but now I plain hate him. What he did to me was sooo not cool. The cabinet was very dark. I was unable to use my compact to admire myself for way too long and the way I came out of the cabinet was very embarrassing. Because of those events, Fake JZ refuses to talk to me. I realize I did cross the line with her, but Fake Jeff forced my hand. Furthermore, Fake DM is pissed off at Fake JZ. I'm not really sure why because he doesn't want to talk about. Lastly, Hans is still being a self-absorbed prissy pants by holding a grudge against me for breaking his nose. You know, Hans is such a whiner. He's so not me i.e. he's sooo not hot. He loses nothing from a broken nose. Hans, you were ugly even before I broke your nose. Ugly is ugly so DROP IT! If you broke my nose, that would be a totally different story 'cause I'm hot. So if you're me you have the right to be pissed, but you're not so get over it!
Anyways, all this thinking has really taken me away from me so I decided to whip out my new compact and my new nose-hair trimmer to start making my perfectly-beautiful self even more perfectly beautiful. God, every time I see myself in the mirror I'm so blown away by how gorgeous I am. Just as I start trimming away King Jorge barges into my office. He tells me he needs me to write some code for him. I'm thinking, "I don't know how to write code", but I play along because I need this job. It costs a lot to keep myself so beautiful.
He tells me he just got out of a meeting with Bobby H (aka The Hair). He is King Jorge's boss. King Jorge promised him a whole bunch of new features and I am going to write it for him. Damn, I won't have time to finishing trimming my nostril hairs. The funny thing is our discussion lasted for almost an hour, but King Jorge mostly talked about The Hair's hair: how thick it is, how smooth it is, how fluffy it is, how soft it is - how beautiful it is. I think it is safe to assume that King Jorge has a big-time Man Crush on The Hair. It gets more complicated. King Jorge also tells me about Ricky C (Bobby H's boss). Evidently Ricky C has a Man Crush on King Jorge, at least that's what I'm told. King Jorge tells me how he and Ricky C met at a meeting and ever since then Ricky C has been coming on to him. Ricky C gave him a box of chocolate - a pink heart-shaped box of chocolate - and Ricky C is constantly barging into meetings just to say "hi" to King Jorge.
So here's the deal, King Jorge has a man-crush on The Hair, Ricky C has man-crush on King Jorge, and who knows what is going on between The Hair and Ricky C since they been "working together" for so many years.
It's a Man Crush Triangle! King Jorge is the new bacon between the Ricky C and Bobby H sandwich!
I'm so jealous every time I see King Jorge walk into The Hair's office and close the door behind him. I'm so jealous every time Ricky C winks at King Jorge. Why does he get all this attention? I'm hotter than King Jorge, why doesn't the The Hair let me stroke his hair from time to time and why doesn't Ricky C give me a heart-shaped box of chocolate. I hate King Jorge, but then I catch a reflection of myself on a compact I left on my desk and the world is perfect again. Thank god I'm so gorgeous otherwise my life would be so bitter. As usual, I lose track of what King Jorge is saying because I'm busy admiring myself until he stands up to leave and tells me he needs everything done by tomorrow. He promises The Hair the world just because he wants to run his hand through The Hair's hair and handsome me has to grab my ankles and deal with it.
I hate King Jorge.
After he leaves my office, I immediately begin slaving away on my computer. God I really suck and this "writing code" thing. This is embarrassing since writing code is supposed to be my job. After about eights hours I got my ten lines of code to compile into a program. I begin to execute my program and I don't see any errors. OH MY GOD, I WROTE A PROGRAM THAT ACTUALLY EXECUTES PROPERLY! Maybe I can be more than just a pretty face. I'm so happy that I start dancing with my compact like Fred Astaire did with Ginger Rogers until Fake Jeff barges into my office and accuses me of doing something to his database. I don't understand what he's saying so I will just quote it verbatim:
"You %#@#$ tardest J-Tard of them all! You $%@# created a $%# connection leak on my beloved database! Do you even know how to write code?!"
Fake Jeff is such a buzzkill. Did I mention I hate him? Of course I have no idea what he just said because I'm such a fraud so I panic and blurt out something that sounds like something Hans or Fake JZ would say,
"Fake Jeff, did you consider the Agile ESB that delivers the SOA of the Test Driven Database Oracle that serialize SCRUM packets over the EJB into JVM on the ByteCode MBean of RMI Servlet Session SSH HTTP JAXB JMS Tibco DB2 IBM .NET Microsoft Google JBoss Spring Winter Autumn Summer Apple and Oranges? Did you consider that huh? huh? huh? and by the way, you suck! I hate you."
Fake Jeff just stares at me. Maybe I stumped him. I think what I said actually made sense. YES! I am more than a pretty face. I can soo do this for a living. Just as I begin to start dancing with my compact again Fake Jeff interrupts, "You're not making sense! You're completely clueless you J-Tard! You better turn off your $%#$ program before I lock you up again!"
Ok, maybe I'm not cut out for this coding thing. I've been exposed. There only one thing left to do - RUN.
I try to escape out of my office, but Fake Jeff blocks off the exit. I throw my nose-hair trimmer at him. He slaps it away and chases me around my desk a few times. He lunges towards me to get a hold of me, but I was able to escape his grip and race out of the room. I continue running down the office hallway like a bat out of hell and make my way into Fake DM's office. I have no where else to go because everyone except Donny is pissed at me. Donny's got this superbly surprised look on his face that's asking me "what the hell's going on now?" I run under his desk to hide there. I whisper through my heavy breathing, "Brrro, I need your help, If Fake Jeff comes asking where I am, tell him you haven't see me!" He nods. Not too longer after I said that I hear Fake Jeff open the door and ask Donny, "J-Tard, seen Fake JS?!" Donny replies, "No I haven't." Fake Jeff replies, "If you see that J-Tard, tell him he's outside my circle of trust and I'M GOING BEAT HIM BLOODY!" The door slams shut. Donny looks down at me and asks, "What's going on? What did you get me into now?"
I'm so sorry Donny, you're the only friend I have left and now I've involved you in something so ludicrous that I'm only recording this because this is a secret diary that no one will ever read.
(to be continued: King Jorge: J-Tard Explained)
Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake Jeff's chronicle of this event]