Friday, November 2, 2007

King Jorge: J-Tard Explained

(continued from: King Jorge: The Man Crush Triangle)

I'm in Fake DM's office trying to explain to him why Fake Jeff has it out for me, but of course I'm not doing a good job of it since I really don't understand why Fake Jeff is pissed about me creating a "connection leak". Donny didn't know what a "connection leak" is either, so he asked that I retrace everything that happened today so we can figure it out together. I didn't bother telling him how many times I used my compact today because that's something obvious for people like us, but then I told him about how King Jorge forced me to write a program for Bobby H - Donny was surprised by this and asked, "Brrro, you wrote code?"

I was equally surprised that I was actually able to create a program the works. He asked if I "connected to a database" and I'm thinking what is a "database", so I ask Donny, "Ah Brrro, what is a database? Is it like an army base except it's a base for data thingies?" Donny shrugs and responses, "I don't know either, but I know it's something Fake Jeff cares a lot about because he constantly talks about it on his blog." This is like the blind leading the blind. We eventually give up, but we think it's best to play it safe and shutdown the program I wrote to cover my tracks.

Just as we turn off my program, King Jorge quietly walks into Donny's office and closes the door. He looks at the both of us and whispers, "If Ricky C comes in looking for me, tell him I'm not here. I'm going to hide under the desk." Sure enough Ricky C enters Fake DM's office and asks, "Hola Java minions. Have you seen Senor Jorge?" We both shake our heads and say "no" and Ricky C smiles and says, "If you see Senor Jorge, please tell him I am looking for him." We both nod and Ricky C closes the office door and leaves.

King Jorge peeks out from under the desk and whispers, "Is he gone?" We both nod and wonder what's going on. King Jorge comes out from under the desk, sits down on a stair, and proceeds with his story, "I'm so embarrassed by this - Ricky C totally has the hots for me. I'm trying to do everything to avoid him because I don't think Bobby H likes it. Bobby H and I were in his office having a meeting and Ricky C barges in to gives me another box of chocolate and then I noticed Bobby facial expression turn sour. I mean he looks so happy when talking with me until Ricky C interrupted. I felt so awkward that I feigned a stomachache to get out of the meeting. I think I saw Ricky C head to the bathroom to find me. That's the last place I want to be alone with him - I'm doomed if he pulls a Larry Craig. Anyways, thanks for covering my tracks. By the way guys, did you see Bobby H's hair today..."

I believe it is at this point that Donny and I tuned out King Jorge because we whipped out our compacts to confirm how desirable we are to the ladies. I just remember hearing blah blah blah Bobby H's hair this, blah blah blah, Bobby H's hair that. I think this goes on for hours and I lovin' it because I'm admiring myself, but all good things must come to an end; King Jorge's phone rings - It's Max Spazter (Fake Jeff's boss). The conversation is quick and to the point. King Jorge tell us that Max Spazter wants to have a meeting between us and the DBAs (Database Administrators) so we peek out the door to check if the coast is clear - No Fake Jeff or Ricky C in sight. We make our way to the meeting room. We grab as many Java developers as we can find to join us.

When we enter the room, I see Max Spazter with all his DBAs waiting for us. I see Fake Jeff too! He looks at me and motions two fingers toward his eyes and then one finger towards me telling me he's watching me ala Robert DeNiro in Meet The Parents. He then points at the whiteboard - I see a circle labeled "Fake Jeff's Circle of Trust". I notice that a dot labeled Fake JS is outside that circle. Oh god I can see this getting ugly really quick. Max Spazter says to King Jorge, "Fake JS is writing crappy Java code that's causing a connection leak! This is just one example of all the crappy code your people write." King Jorge asks me to confirm Spazter's accusation. Thank god Donny and I turned off the program so I proceed to lie, "There's no connection leak!" I dare not look at Fake Jeff, but I know his face is turning red. Spazter asks Fake Jeff to pull up his database monitoring tools to show King Jorge. He won't find a thing. Fake Jeff screams, "The J-Tard turned off his program to cover his tracks." He points at me, "I'm gonna get you J-Tard!" King Jorge interjects, "Hold on Fake Jeff, don't make false accusations because you have a vendetta against us." Spazter interjects, "Oh yeah! Well you and all your reports are J-Tards!" King Jorge questions Spazter, "What is J-Tard?" Spazter laughs and says, "You don't know?! You're an idiot! J-Tard is an abbreviated form of Frigtard Java Developers!" King Jorge does not take well to the insult and grabs Spazter by the neck, "What did you call me Spazter?!" Spazter grabs King Jorge by the neck and says, "J-Tard!"

King Jorge looks at us and cries, "DOWN WITH STORED-PROCEDURES!"

Max Spazter looks at his DBAs and cries, "IN THE NAME OF LARRY, DESTROY ALL J-TARDS!"

Everyone's looking at each other unsure of what to do. I look at Donny and see this horrific look on his face. I turn to see what he sees; Fake Jeff lunging towards me. I hear Donny scream. I scream as well and immediately duck to protect my face. Fake Jeff flies over me and tackles Hans instead. Suddenly the whole room breaks into full brawl. I look around and I see Java developers and DBAs attacking each other! King Jorge and Max Spazter are trying to strangle each other. I see Hans punch Fake Jeff while another DBA uses a chair to hit Hans from behind. I see Fake JZ put her heel into a DBA's gut while another DBA pulls Fake JZ down by her hair. I can't see Donny though I hear him screaming. I'm screaming too. I get up only to see Fake Jeff's fist. He punches me in the face! - NOT THE FACE! - I'm dizzy. I lose my bearings. All I can hear is the chaos of fighting and screaming around me. Suddenly Fake RL, a female DBA, jump-kicks me in the face. I immediately drop to the floor in pain. She picks me up and slams me down on the meeting table. I try to grab her hair, but she headbutts me - NOT THE FACE! - I think my nose is broken! I'm disoriented again. She throws me off the table and I land face-first on the floor. Donny tackles Fake RL just as she was about to put her finishing move on me. Donny you're my hero! I stumble onto to my feet. I'm still disoriented. I see Fake JZ being over powered by her opponent. It's my chance to patch things up with her. I take out my compact and crack it over her opponent's head. A look of shock covers Fake JZ's face, but before I can say anything Fake Jeff punches me in the face again - NOT THE FACE! - I drop to the floor. Fake JZ screams "HI YA!" and karate-chops Fake Jeff in the neck. She picks me up off the ground. I try to apologize, but she doesn't hear me. She points at Hans and says something to me - I can't hear what she is saying because my ears are ringing from all the punches to my face, but I can see that Hans is in trouble. Another chance for me to make things right, but I have no more strength. I cannot move. I cannot feel anything so I ask Fake JZ to fling me towards Hans's attacker. She does it without hesitation. I fly across the room and tackle Han's attacker. It's Fake RL! I knocked her out cold. I'm going to pass out, but Hans picks me up and I think I hear him say thank you. Suddenly I hear the meeting room door swing open and I hear someone exclaimed, "What is going on here?!" It's Bobby H's voice.

The room falls silent.

I realized I finally know the meaning of J-Tard.

Everything goes dark. I pass out.

(to be continued: King Jorge: Store Procedures and Hibernate Can Coexist)

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake Jeff's chronicle of this event]

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