Saturday, October 13, 2007

Hans is whining again

I get to work and I whip out my compact to check out my hair. It's perfect as usual. I don't even know why I bother. I guess I just like looking at myself.

Before I can even check my email, my man-assistant - I can't remember his name - I think it's Hans, barges into my office. He tells me I have a meeting with Fake Jeff to talk about a new design in five minutes. Fake Jeff is as smart as I'm handsome. Unfortunately, I spend so much time and energy focusing on my own beauty that I'm really too dumb to do anything useful, but nobody knows that. It's my big secret. Thank god this is a secret diary. Anyway, the point is Fake Jeff is so smart that whatever he says always seems to make sense. He always gets his way and that makes me look stupid. I don't want to look stupid even though I am.

I'm like totally caught off guard by this meeting. I'm so not prepared. So I do the right thing and blame it on my man-assistant, "Hans! Damn it! Why didn't you tell me about this meeting?! That's what a man-assistant like yourself is supposed to do!" Hans replies, "Um, Fake JS, my name is not Hans. I'm not your man-assistant. I told you numerous times not to call me that and I told you yesterday morning to prepare for this meeting. This is a big deal!". I reply, "Hans! Your negativity is not helping me".

He's speechless. He just stares a me. I think he's finally calming down. My mad people skillz must be working. He breathes a heavy sigh and starts explaining to me about how SOA and Mule ESB are the keys, but I catch a glimpse of my own reflection on my computer monitor and his words blur to blah blah blah as I start focusing on myself. Oh my god, I think I see a new wrinkle on my forehead! Oh wait, it's just crap on the monitor. That reminds me, I need to get more Borghese Active Mud for Face and Body. I haven't had a facial in a while. My face looks swollen. What the hell?! I'm having a complete breakdown here! I quickly whip out my compact to get a better view of myself. Relief! It's just the monitor distorting my reflection. I hate this computer monitor. All of a sudden Hans screams at me, "Are you listening to me?!". He's pissing me off. He's being rude so I tell him, "Looks Hans, your not helping me. Forget about the meeting. I need a new monitor. Get me a new monitor. This one's not working for me. I prefer a non-glossy screen. Thanks."

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