Saturday, October 27, 2007

King Jorge: The JVM Problem is Fixed and The King Jorge Era is Established

(continued from King Jorge: Fix The JVM Problem)

I'm still stuck in the storage cabinet. I've lost track of time. I don't know how long I've been imprisoned by Fake Jeff. It's completely dark. I cannot see myself and that is making me very weak and sick - and I really really need to pee. I'm leaning on the locked cabinet doors. It's the only thing holding me up. Fake Jeff's periodic laughter is followed by monotonous keyboard typing sounds.

This is a horrible nightmare. Apparently no one has read my secret diary because I'm still imprisoned in a storage cabinet. I feel quite ambivalent about this - It sucks that no one has read my secret diary because I really want to be rescued, but at the same time thank god this is a secret diary - this is quite an embarrassing predicament because I'm still not sure why Fake Jeff did this to me.

Suddenly I hear the door to the room open. I hear King Jorge's voice, "Fake Jeff, have you seen Fake JS? The last time we saw him, he was with you." I try to tap on the cabinet doors, but I'm too weak to move. I try to call out to King Jorge, but I'm too weak to scream. Fake Jeff denies knowing my whereabouts. I really hate Fake Jeff right now.

I hear Fake DM say, "Fake JZ, try calling Fake JS. Maybe he still has his iPhone on him." King Jorge agrees, "That's a great idea. Do it Fake JZ!" I hear Hans chime in, "I can care less if he's dead!" I think Hans is still mad at me for breaking his nose.

My iPhone rings! I'm gonna be saved!

Fake Jeff laughs heartily, "You will never free him! I threw away the keys!"

I hate Fake Jeff.

Fake DM screams, "Fake JS! He's in the storage cabinet! I will save him!" I hear Fake JZ scream, "No! I will save him!" They both are arguing about who will save me. "I will save Fake JS!" "No! I will! "No you won't, I will!" It sounds like Fake DM and Fake JZ are fighting with each other. I am the center of attention and I'm loving this. Me! Me! Me! Me, Myself, and More Me!

I still hear Fake Jeff's laughter in the background.

King Jorge interjects, "Enough bickering! You, get Fake JS out of the cabinet! You, take out Fake Jeff! You, get on Fake Jeff's computer and fix the JVM Problem!"

I hear a cacophony of chaos going on outside the storage cabinet. I hear fighting. I hear keyboard typing. I hear screaming. I hear battle cries. It's a struggle of epic proportions! All for handsome me! Me! Me! Me! Me, Myself, and More Me! (Didn't I just say that? I think I did. Eh, doesn't matter. I'll say it again and again. I sooo love myself sometimes)

Hans exclaims, "Fix installed! The JVM Problem is no more! Data is flowing through our servers again!"

Fake Jeff utters a painful guttural cry that echoes throughout the office halls. This sound of defeat is followed by cheers of victory from all else in the room.

The room falls silent.

"We can't open the storage cabinet!"

Fake Jeff laughs, "You J-tards will never free your tardest J-Tard of them all."

I don't understand what he is saying. I hate him.

King Jorge commands, "Use the keyboard."


I hear the lock break to pieces. The cabinet door swings open. I'm blinded by the bright lights in the room. I'm too weak to stand on my own. I collapse to the floor. Somebody tenderly cradles me off the ground and into their arms. I cannot see a thing.

Is it Donny? It has to be Donny. Oh, Donny you're my hero!

Donny is cradling me in his arms and sobbing. His tears rain down on my face. This really pisses me off because the salt content of the tears will dry my skin. I will have to moisturize properly after this. Wait...Donny would know never to let this happen. This person is not Donny :(

I utter, "I can't see anything. I'm blind!"

The stranger cradling me replies in their tear-drenched voice, "You've been in the dark too long. Your sight will eventually come back and you will be able to admire yourself again."

I don't recognize the voice, "Who are you?"

The stranger clears their throat and says, "Some who cares for you."

It's Fake JZ!

I hear Fake Jeff throw up.

Hans screams, "You threw up on me you $%*@ !%^# piece of *&%! son of !@#*%"

Dude, this is sooo awkward. My manly handsome hotness has left her in a confused state of mind. She does not mean what she says and I think everyone heard this. I must fix this now. I use my last ounce of strength to lean towards her and whisper in her ears, "It will never work out with us. I'm too sexy for you."

That should break the spell.


Donny screams.

Fake JZ slapped me across the face and dropped me to the floor, "JERK! I HATE YOU, FAKE JS!"

Ok, that was uncalled for. That really hurts and even worse, it's gonna leave a mark. But I'm too weak to do anything about it now. I continue to lay motionless on the floor.

I think I hear Donny sobbing.

I still really really need to pee.

I utter one last request, "Compact...", I have no more strength to continue and just before I pass out I hear King Jorge clasps his hand to his face, "God, this is what I have to work with."

(to be continued: King Jorge: The Man Crush Triangle)

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake Jeff's chronicle of this event and Click here to see Fake DM's chronicle of this event

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