Friday, October 26, 2007

King Jorge: Fix The JVM Problem

(continued from King Jorge: The New Boss)

I'm sitting in my office admiring at myself. I'm really happy, but King Jorge barges into my office and tells me I need to work with Fake Jeff on a problem that's crashing our JVM (Java Virtual Machine). Why can't he just find someone else to do this? I'm busy admiring myself right now.

King Jorge is so demanding, but I can't say no. I need this job. I have a lot of expenses to keep myself looking this beautiful. So I tell him, "No problemo. What's involved?" He starts explaining the problem to me, but I catch a glimpse of my reflection in my monitor and his words begin to blur to blah blah blah. After a while he asks me, "You know what you need to do, right?" Of course I wasn't listening, "Uh rrright, I know what to do."

So I meet with Fake Jeff and we are both sitting in front of the computer. He's saying a lot of high IQ stuff which sound like gibberish to me. I have no idea what I need to do, but that's ok because there are plenty of high reflective surfaces around me. I can see myself everywhere. Dude, I'm so hot. I look left, I see myself. I look right, I see myself. I'm everywhere. I'm so on cloud nine. I practice smiling. Yeah, I'm sooo sexy. Yeah, chicks totally dig it when I smile. I do this for about two to three hours, until I get interrupted by a phone call from Fake JZ, "Hey it's Fake JZ. King Jorge wants to know the status of the JVM problem. Got an update?"

I'm initially pretty upset that Fake JZ has once again interrupt me while I'm admiring myself until I remember that I need this job to keep up my good looks. I better get cracking on whatever King Jorge wanted me to do. I angle away from Fake Jeff because I'm too embarrassed to let him know I'm totally clueless and whisper into my iPhone, "Um, yeah Fake JZ, what did King Jorge want me to do again?" Silence. "Um, Fake JZ, I forgot what he told me to do." Fake JZ response, "Fake JS, you weren't paying attention when King Jorge was talking to you, weren't you?!" I'm so busted. I need this job, so I beg her not to tell King Jorge I was ignoring him again. I then proceed to ask her to tell me what I'm supposed to do.

Halfway through the explanation, I realize I'm too dumb to understand the words coming out of Fake JZ's mouth, but I know she's smart enough to fix the problem so I resort to the only thing I know. My hotness. I have to woo Fake JZ with my manly handsome hotness. I immediately send a dose of my purest manly handsome hotness from my phone to hers and she inevitably melts just all the ladies do. She will now do my bidding now, "Fake JZ help me fix the JVM problem." She immediately checks out the code and starts looking into the problem. Within minutes, she isolates the problem and starts explaining how to fix it. Of course I'm too dumb to understand what she's saying so I ask her to tell me exactly word for word what to tell Fake Jeff. Once I memorized the phrase she told me to repeat, I hang up and Look at Fake Jeff. I regurgitate the phrase, "Fake Jeff, look at lines 89 through 98 in the stored-procedure. It's an infinite loop. Fix that and we are good."

Fake Jeff's jaw drops to ground. What's going on? Did what I say not make sense? What does that look mean? He suddenly stands up and tries to punch me. I duck to protect my most treasured asset, my face. He grabs me and picks me up. I think he's going to hurt me so I scream, "No! Not the face! Not the face! I'm too beautiful! Anything but the face!" I continue screaming because I'm so afraid he's going to mess up my face. He shoves me into a storage cabinet and locks me inside. I hear him scream something at me, then dead silence. I gently tap on the door, "Hello? Fake Jeff? Are you there? Did I say something wrong?" No answer. I try again, "Hello? Anyone? Heeeelllo?"

It's dark and cold inside this storage cabinet. I can't see myself. I'm feeling scared and lonely. I call Fake JZ. Hopefully she can get me out of this predicament. She answers my call, but before I can even get in a word she screams at me, "FAKE JS! HOW COULD YOU USE YOUR MANLY HANDSOME HOTNESS ON ME?! HOW COULD YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME LIKE THAT?! I FEEL SO VULNERABLE RIGHT NOW! I'M SO CONFUSED! YOU JERK! I TRUSTED YOU!" She hangs up. Apparently my manly handsome hotness is beginning to wear off. I have no choice but to call Hans, "Hi Han this is Fake JS". Click. Dial tone. He hangs up on me. Apparently he's still mad at me for breaking his nose

This is bad. I'm writing this entry of my secret diary with my iPhone. Dear god I hope someone reads my secret diary so that they will know I'm locked inside a storage cabinet.

(to be continued: King Jorge: The JVM Problem is Fixed and The King Jorge Era is Established)

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake Jeff's chronicle of this event]

1 comment:

Fake Jeff said...

Hey J-Tard,

Here's my version of the story: Java Wars: The J-Tard Empire Strikes Back